Moanchester Evening News can reveal that up to 40% of the M60 is being criminally underused due to the inadequate driving habits of vehicle users. A survey of drivers at the Trafford Centre showed nearly 5 out of every 8 people questionned replied that they came across drivers hogging the middle lane of the motorway.
"White vans, Minibuses going to the airport, Pensioners, young women, old women, taxis, BMWs and every other kind of vehicle or driver are all at it" said exasperated 39-year old Tolly Cobbold of Prestwich. "It's people like that, that cause accidents as I can't always swerve past them into the outside lane in my articulated lorry."
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| A car hogging the middle lane of the M60 (not actual size) |
Inspector Barry Tard of Greater Manchester Police's Traffic Division agreed and admitted that there are far too many drivers out there who "deserve a damn good rollicking for their poor lane discipline" but that the cuts in resourcing mean there are fewer coppers out there to catch the culprits. Due to increased publicity being currently given to other crimes, his men had been drafted onto special duties. "Right now, I've had to send 6 officers to interview people suspected of chip pan related arson, and a further 3 men chasing up leads on anti-social dog muck crimes. It's all about priorities these days."
The MEN approached Moanchester University of Shoes and Technology about whether middle lane hogging at rush hour creates additional delays for road users. Research they are conducting using the CCTV network in place around the M60 tends to support the theory it does. Analysis of the nearside lane shows users averaged 38mph between fixed points, while the middle and outer lanes could only manage 29 and 25 respectively. Professor Derrick Acora also found a correlation in lane speeds and the cuddly toys in the rear window. "Fox toys definitely made faster progress on the M60 in the hours between 07.00 and 08.30 than either cat or dog toys we saw. Whether if this is due to their greater feral nature, I wouldn't like to say."
Do you have a soft animal toy in the back of your car, or do you drive persistently in the middle lane when the nearside is free? If you are able to do so safely, send us your photos of middle lane hogs and their cuddly parcel shelf mascots.
(Infirmus Cygnus)
A friend of mine held the opinion that you should always tailgate on the Motorway, so that if there was an accident, the relative speed of impact would be lower.
ReplyDeleteThis claims to be Infirmus, but it was posted by our supreme overlord Robin Chough. I am confused. Was the contribution by email and then cut/pasted?
ReplyDeleteAlso, twitter reports two new members to the editorial team, however only one new contributor is listed, specifically Fluffsec?
Yes, I am too lazy to log-in, Scratchy
DeleteInfirmus emailled me the report, so I posted it for him.
DeleteI've since added him to the editorial team, so he should be listed as soon as he accepts the position. I'll check with HR in the morning.
Stylistically this is clearly not me. Pets, cycling, dog muck, chip pan fires. Those are my specialist interests.
Well it clearly isn't me either as the spelling and grammer are correct.
DeleteOne of my favourite stunts on MEN was to initiate a long pedantic thread correcting someone's spelling, only to finish it off my mis-spelling grammer.
DeleteI'd always get a few outraged individuals korrecting me. The root of this was that Urmston Grammer School misspelt their own name, in an advert in a local paper. Then blamed the graphical designers they'd paid to produce the copy.
Yes, I picked up on those, made me sniffer. the only time I was a pendant was with thoughtful
DeleteI am somewhat bemused that our police commissioner has not allocated resources to the urban fox crisis. Doesn't he know that the people demand action against this urban menace? It must do, it filled a few pages in national and regional papers this week, or last week, whichever.
ReplyDeleteUrban fox crisis aka Urban cat crisis.
DeletePeople. We don't want Choughworld to be torn apart by the cat vs dog debate.
ReplyDeleteCats may or may not be evil. (They are)
Foxes may nor may not eat children (They don't)
Let's find a common ground.
You have lost the country side alliance vote there
ReplyDeleteI blame goldfish for the divisions in the cat vs dog debate. their evil genius is they stir and inflame the situation, whilst swimming round and round giggling at us humans squabbling, all the time pretending to be all innocent
ReplyDeleteI had an evil genius of a goldfish that contrived to leave its headless body on the floor on my eighth birthday, framing the cat...
ReplyDeleteIt was probably promised 17 guppies in Paradise.
ReplyDeleteI would just like to apologise to everyone for not posting many new articles recently and also in the near future. My darling daughter is moving house and good ole daddy is doing repairs and helping her move. I am sure that by reducing the number I post, people will say "It reads like it was written by a 12 year old now"
ReplyDelete