We've Been Noticed, Again

In not so surprising news, arguments has broken out between our friend and irregular poster 'David Wilton' on MENU's webshite and in one -he has been refered to us for treatment. 

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/yob-ali-haydor-who-led-2286635

It would be surprising if  their 'David Wilton' actually visited this site....whereas our own home grown racist bigot 'David Wilton' regularly pops in to rant.

To avoid confusing we should refer to MENUs 'David Wilson' as the 'bigotted racist' and ours as the 'bigotted racist' -that should solve that.




We would put a larger picture of a troll on this news snippet, but we do not want him to think he is worthy of a large picture.

So welcome 'David Wilton', 'Thoughtful', or 'Mindful Thoughts' -we do not mind what you call yourself today.

UK Armed Forces Rehearse N.Korea Landings

In what is sure to be seen by North Korea as a precursor to a UK invasion of their homeland, Royal Marines will be rehearsing amphibious assualt landings this weekend.





The military exercises will take place in the hotly disputed waters surrounding the Korean peninsula, locally refered to as  'The Thames.'

North Korean state television reported the news to a shocked nation, referring to the UK military operation as an 'invasion' of their territorial waters -which they claim extend 100,000 miles around their country.

Said military spokesperson Generally Off My Head, "This is the clearest indication yet that the UK wishes to invade our homeland. We will not stand by waiting for this overtly hostile action by an Imperialist Nation to take place and have readied our forces for an all out nuclear war."

The UK Ministry of Defence refuted the North Korean's claim of an impending invasion saying, "We refute the North Korean Government's claim that we are planning an invasion. We are merely deploying our Marines to ensure the annual Thames boat race is not disrupted by a lone swimmer like last year."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-21975466

So, is the UK planning to invade North Korea or are we simply wasting military time and money protecting an event that has no impact on our national sovereignty?

Elderly Join AAA

In another example of how our older people are enjoying their twilight years to the full, an 82 year-old lady joined the Acrobatic Automobile Association (AAA) last year and has completed her first solo act to an astonished public.

http://www.manchesterfire.gov.uk/updates/incidents/28march2013_overturned_car_hindley.aspx




In a quiet street in Atherton, the public watched as Mrs Dare Devil lined her Vauxhall Corsa up to perform the AAA's classic 'Clip and Flip' manoeuvre. Once aligned correctly and revving her engine to the maximum, she set off.  Immediatly on turning a tight corner, she clipped the deliberatly parked car and then continued to hit the specially installed kerb -forcing her beloved car to 'flip' over.

The Firefighters who attended the event we amazed that someone that aged could perform this death-defying stunt.

Said Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service (GMFRS) spokesperson Mr Right Way-Up "This was an excellant example of aged people finding new and exciting roles to perform in life. Whilst our Road Safety Strategy has always looked at how to educate and engage with drivers and pedestrians about road safety, in particular targeting 17 to 25-year-olds across Greater Manchester, we now realise we should concentrate on elderly drivers instead."

Note: no persons were seriously hurt in this stunt, with the driver only suffering slight cuts and bruises as she wore a seatbelt -so remember clunck-click every trip.

The UK Wakes Up

In line with most of the popular Press, we start today with news that the UK population is waking up to news that their Council Tax will soon rise. Some Council Tax payers will say 'so what's new' but others will wake up to find they will shortly be paying Council Tax for the first time.




Unfortuneatly this is not news as such, it has been known for sometime -it is just that the Press have not been reporting the changes when they were announced, prefering stories of dog shite, chip pan fires and immigration to sell their measlie rags.

Community Overlord Sir David Pickles has been voracious in his defence of the new scheme "If people cannot be bothered to get better paid jobs such that they do not need to claim Council Tax Releif -that is not our fault. The ConDem Government has made it far easier to start-up new business in this Country, it is not our fault if people are too poor to do it."

He continued "The Conservatives have consulted widely on this scheme and with the support of our LibDem partners, we have managed to implement it. We must stress that in compensation for the new bills the unemployed and low paid workers will now face, the Government has taken on the cost of providing them breakfast -one horse bone for each family."

So there we have it, the Government has not only saved money and pushed the blame onto councils, they have also found a use for the bones from dead horses whose meat has already entered the food chain.

Bon appetit!

David Cameron Lookalike Fleeces OAPs

David Cameron, in his Bullingdon days

In a recent crime story, our tawdry rival focussed on the outrageous crimes committed by Stockport-based crook Daniel O'Donnell against the aged, rather than on his remarkable likeness to David Cameron, who equally wants to rob OAPs, and anyone living in social housing.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/evil-crook-daniel-odonnell-stockport-2038880

Police Use MEN Newsfeed

In an unlikely twist, Greater Manchester Police have started to use the MEN as a source of information.




In the tragic case of Miss Jade Anderson, the MEN reported her identity a full 14 hours before the police announced the informal identification of the victem on their web site.

Said PC Plod "It seems only fair that we use their website to collect information and report it to the public as they have been monitoring our web site/twitter feed and doing the same for a long time."

Notwithstanding the sympathy we have for Jade's family, which goes without saying, we have to ask -is this the way policing will be done in the future -by the MEN.

Stockport Residents Happiest in GTR Manchester

It's 'official' -out of ALL the areas where you could live in Greater Manchester, Stockport residents are the happiest with their location.





Not only beating EVERY other part of Greater Manchester, Stockport came second in the UK survey only losing out to Harrogate.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2299640/The-happiest-place-Britain-Harrogate-Residents-North-Yorkshire-town-satisfied-live.html

Said resident Mr P.Pann "It's great living in Stockport! We have all the road and rail infrastructure necessary to take us away from this dump."

However an unamed source within Stockport Council said "We are very proud of coming second in a national survey which for once does not mark Stockport as a failing local economy with the highest number of empty shops of any comparable town!"

So there you have it, Stockport is the best place in Manchester to live!  Or is it? Has Stockport only won because people living there have very limited aspirations and extremely low expectations?

TV : Who is the Worst Ever Doctor Who?

To Celebrate the resumption of the current series of Doctor Who on Saturday and a set of Postage Stamps produced in their honour, Choughworld will be carrying out an in-depth review into that question that's on everyone's lips.  Which actor is the Worst Doctor Who Ever?

William Hartnell

I've no idea what this one was like, before my time...

---

Patrick Troughton

As the Second Doctor, Patrick Troughton was the first re-incarnation, and ironically, the first Doctor Who to die.
 

---

Jon Pertwee

For some the definitive Doctor Who, for others the precursor for Wurzell Gummidge.

---

Tom Baker

Arguably this is where the rot set in. 

---

Peter Davison

 

Encouraged by his success in All Creatures Great and Small, Davison risked his career against the curse of Doctor Who.... And it didn't pay off.  Now known as the father of David Tennant's wife.

---

Colin Baker

The worst Doctor Who ever.

---

Sylvester McCoy

Previously a side kick in Vision On, McCoy could do nothing to save the busted brand.

---

Paul McGann

I don't know why they include him in the lists.

---

Christopher Eccleston

Mis cast or a work of genius?  You decide.

---

David Tennant

My children's favourite, but what do they know.

---

Matt Smith

The first Doctor Who to truly look like an Alien.

UK Faces Gas Shortages

In extraordinary scenes not witnessed since the Great Depression, queues of people were forming outside greengrocers and supermarkets this morning.



With newspaper circulation rates continuing to decline, the Press have fought back with scare stories that the UK faces a gas shortage within 2 days, possibly 3, in order to reverse this trend.

However, whilst the newspapers were attempting to report a potential crisis faced by the Gas Industry, their poor standard of reporting led housholders to believe that the UK had limited supplies of brussel sprouts.





Said a Government sauce "This is ridiculous, the UK is not facing a gas shortage! We have storage tanks and a pipeline delivering brussel sprouts to our shops on a daily basis, the idea we would run out of this staple winter food is just plainly stupid."

They went on to explain "Even if we were facing a shortage of brussel sprouts, homeowners need not panic as they could quickly switch to using beans to ensure a gas shortage in the home could be avoided."

So there you have it, the truth. Not only is there no need to panic buy brussel sprouts but the Press have once again created panic when there was none.

Council Street Cleaners Face the Axe

Announcing the results of a thorough review of Council's expenditure, the right-wing think tank Make-Up-Policy-Proposals-by-Extreme-Tory-Sponsors (MUPPETS) has proposed a radical way in which Councils should keep streets clean.




Under their proposed solution, Councils will make all street cleaners unemployed -thus saving the employement costs. They would then be 're-trained' under the Government's Back-To-Work scheme for a new career in street cleaning.

The MUPPET group spokesperson, Mr Ill-Informed Milnes said "This is a 'win-win' solution for Councils and their hard-pressed residents. Not only will the Councils be in a position to reduce residents Council Tax, the unemployment figures will remain unaffected -as the newly unemployed street cleaners will be on a Government training scheme and therefore not count within the figures."

Asked about the impact on unemployed street cleaners, Mr Milnes answered "Who cares about them, as long as I keep getting my pension and my Council Tax goes down, why should I worry?"

So there we have it, a group of pensioners with nothing better to do than become a right-wing think tank come up with a solution to get their Council Tax payments down and be damned about anyone else.

Fair, not really, but do you back their proposed solution?

Isle of Wight Councillors Visit Choughworld

In February we proposed a solution to the eternal problem of irresponsible dog owners not cleaning up dog shite left by their lovable pets, a new Doggy DNA Database (DDD).

Under our paintented solution, every dog would have it's DNA taken and stored in the new DDD. Thereafter, if dog shite was found in public spaces -the pet's owner could be traced and fined.

http://choughworld.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/doggy-dna-database-to-be-created.html

Following a fact finding mission by Councillors from the Isle of Wight to Choughworld offices, discussions took place on a common problem -dog shite in public areas.

Our researchers highlighted Choughworld's unique solution to our common problem was not only scientifically proven to work but would provide a revenue stream to financially strapped Councils.

We have now received confirmation that the Isle of Wight Councillors are to implement Choughworld's proposed scheme.

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/9949491/Isle-of-Wight-moots-dog-DNA-database-to-tackle-fouling-problem.html

However, in an unforeseen twist Councillors will not be fining the irresponsible dog owners, they have proposed a far harsher punnishment -the dog owners will be forced to jump off one of their famous cliffs, at gun point.





Whilst we all agree that irresponsible dog owners should be found and punnished, Choughworld believes that taking a life -even for dog shite, is wrong.

What do you think, a step too far?

Rare Sighting of British Cock

It has now been confirmed by our researchers that the rare British Cock 'Thoughtful' was alive and thriving in the MEN websites.

















Previously some experts believed that the last member of this sub-species of fighting cock may have been run over by a cyclist; however that opinion was divided with others believing that it was simply keeping a low profile.

After months patiently monitoring the Cock's natural habitat, the MEN webshite, our researchers finally recived definitive proof of it's survival after hearing it piercing mating call "CRA."

Whilst there is also speculation to the sex of this Cock, with some indications that it is female -in its current guise (David Wilton) it has some of the traits of being a male. Our in-house vet DR Chopthemoff believes the world will only be able to determine the sex of this specimen by baiting and enticing -forcing it into making a grammatical mistake.

So please readers, keep your eyes open for any further sightings and report them back to Choughworld for examination/dissection.

Thanks -the research team.

Chancellor in Pro Chip Pan Fire Budget

The Chancellor, on "dress down" day

Out of touch Toff Chancellor George 'Gideon' Osborne has thumbed his stuck up nose at Choughworld's campaign against chip pan fires (supported by Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service).

In  a move that surprised no-one the MP for Tatton in Cheshire showed utter contempt for the 50 victims of chip pan fires per year, by reducing duty on beer, while encouraging shale gas exploration.

 

"It's outrageous, " said new celebrity follower Keith Chegwin.  "There is a well known link between drinking beer, lighting the gas ring and chip pan fires."

 

Alleged actor Ken Barlow, who plays aging lothario Bill Roach in Hollyoaks added, "What a twat, I hope something really nasty happens to him in a future life."

 

"I don't rarely care if poor people burn in their hovels," said an unknown source close to the Chancellor. "It will just free up more land for me to play croquet on. If I were passing a chip pan fire after a few jereboams of Krug, I wouldn't even piss on it.

At least in this, the Prime Minister is giving good advice.  It is not recommended to urinate or pour any liquids onto a chip pan fire, as this may cause a fireball.  Instead turn off the heat (if its safe to do so) and call the Fire and Rescue Service.  Do not cook chips when drunk.

 

Great Troll Migration to Facebook

Following in-depth research over the weekend Choughworld researchers have discovered where the MEN Trolls have migrated to.





There had been some concern that the trolls inhabiting the MEN prior to the Facebook epoch may have migrated to the Daily Male region of the Press-world. It had been assumed by Troll experts that the MEN sub-species  may have been overwhelmed and out-gunned by the more experienced and deadly Daily Male sub-species, leading to their ultimate demise.

However there are fresh hopes that a clan of the MEN sub-species may have migrated to the MEN Facebook region of the Press-world following discovery of fresh Troll droppings over the weekend.

Said Troll Expert Dr P.Pann "This is exciting news in the Troll world. We had assumed that the MEN Troll sub-species may have died out, but the discovery of their droppings on the MEN Facebook page has given us new hope of their continued survival."

Asked why the Trolls may have migrated to this particular region of Press-world Dr Pann explained "We had assumed the MEN Troll was particularly mentally challenged and would not be able to cope with their forced migration to Facebook. However they appear to have overcame this challenge."

Dr Pann wnt on (as he is inclined to do like any Prof) "We can only assume that, as there is a lack of news items on the MEN webshite which can be commented on along with the occasional moderation cull -the Trolls have migrated into the MEN Facebook page where there are no such barriers to survival. Here they are able to rant and rave as much as they like about ethnicity, race attacks, immigration and benefit scroungers without fear of retribution."

This is indeed exciting news however we question whether the MEN, now knowing what we know, will try and cull their homegrown Trolls from their Facebook region of Press-world?

Church to Offer NHS Services

In shocking news the Church of England has announced it will start offering NHS services once the controversal Heath and Social Care Bill is passed, paving the way to privatisation of the NHS.





Whilst the Church traditionally only treats souls, it will start offering new services based at it's Chester Catherdral Offices.

Initially the Church is expected to offer A & E services on the first Sunday of each month, brain surgery on the second Sunday of each month, an alcohol addiction drink-in service each Wednesday evening between 20:00 and 23:00 and podiatry services to older citizens each morning from 9:30 to 12:30.

A spokesperson for the Church, Rev Al Mighty said "Whilst our buildings are normally open for a short period, the cost of their upkeep has made us questions what else we could use our property for to help offset these costs. Whilst we normally only offer non-invasive services like chronic Soul repair, we think it is time for the Church to provide a more holistic approach to our patrons needs."

http://www.nwas.nhs.uk/news/press-releases-statements/13-march-2013/

Not everybody in the Church's congregation are in favour of introducing this new-fangled branch of healing, with Mrs Fiery Bush warning "This could divide the Church of England even more than female Bishops, Gay Marriage or Sexual Abuse.  The church should stick to its traditional role in society of taking money from people who can barely afford it and then invest it into stocks and shares to ensure the higher echelons can enjoyed a comfy lifestyle whilst we all have to sit on hard wooden seats."

Are the empty pews better than full pews?

Manchester Thrown into Confusion over new Mayor

Boris Johnson - Saviour or Villain?

The people of Manchester ran screaming to disused WWII air raid shelters and sewers at the shock announcement that Manchester would be getting a new Mayor, like Boris Johnson.

"Haven't we suffered enough?" pleaded one refugee, holding her baby out to us.  "Have mercy, if not for me, then for him."

Another resident was more sanguine.  "We've been through a lot in Manchester with the Blitz and with Thatcher, and we can see Boris Johnson off too.  What confuses me, is that we voted against having a Mayor in Manchester last year, so why are we going to get one anyway? That's a bit like not voting for a Tory government, but getting one regardless."

Liberal Democrat John Leech eagerly welcomed the chance to have something to do after 2015.

The problem of a Greater Manchester Mayor also throws into confusion the role of Manchester's upstart suburb Salford, which managed to accidentally elect a Mayor last year, in a fiasco engineered by the League of Shadows splinter group, the English Democrats.

The Greater Manchester Mayor would also need to arm-wrestle Police Commissioner Lloyd over who controls the police force.  In a chilling re-run of the recent Batman film, Salford's Knight Warrior has retired injured.

So who will protect us?

Man injured slipping on grease caused by chip pan fire

In a remarkable twist, a real story turns out more ridiculous than any nonsense we can invent.  Our new Chip Pan Fire Correspondant, the Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service explans:-

"A MAN was taken to hospital suffering a cut to his head after slipping on a kitchen floor due to grease caused by a chip pan fire."

"Crews from Atherton and Eccles fire stations were called to a semi-detached house in Laxey Avenue at 5.20pm on Thursday, March 14."

"The fire had burnt out when crews arrived and the occupier of the house - a man in his mid-60s - had removed the pan from the heat."

"It's understood that he had put the chip pan on then forgot about it while listening to music."

"There was no smoke alarm in the house and when the man realised there was a fire, he slipped on the kitchen floor due to grease caused by the fumes and fat from the chip pan."

"Firefighters gave oxygen therapy to the man and treated his wound with bandages before he was taken to hospital by ambulance. He was later discharged following treatment."

"Councillor David Acton, Chair of Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Authority, said: "This is an unusual incident due to the nature of the man's injuries but it just goes to show how dangerous chip pan fires can be for a number of reasons."

"At Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service we are urging residents to ban the pan and swap their chip pans for safer alternatives such as deep fat fryers or oven chips."

"Cooking-related fires remain the most common cause of accidental fires in the home and our Prevention teams are working hard to reduce these types of incidents."

"You can help to reduce the risk of cooking fires in your home by following our advice."

"Remember that any type of pan can catch fire, including woks, grills and frying pans. Never fill a pan more than one-third full of oil and if the oil starts to smoke - turn off the heat and leave it to cool down."

http://www.manchesterfire.gov.uk/updates/incidents/15march2013_atherton_chip_pan-_fire.aspx?utm_source=dlvr.it&

Choughworld Expands Research Team

Following reports of the largest baby boom since the 1950's, Choughworld is pleased to announce that it has recruited a new member to its research team, covering issues relating to this increasingly vocal age group.





Not having been long in this world, our new researcher fitted right into Choughworld's Research Team, taking comfortably to being dressed in the staff uniform.

Whilst our crack team has come up with some pen names for our newest member they were, in all honesty, pretty shite. So we are opening the doors and letting you -our readers name our newest arrival.

Education Standards To Fall

Following reports of poor educational standards in state schools, a Choughworld investigation has shown standards have always been low.




Whilst middle aged people and our increasing numbers of mature citizens have whined about falling educational standards in todays school, Choughworld can reveal that standards have always been poor in liberal leftie state schools.

Said Choughworld's Proprietor and Chief Editor Mrs R.Chough "I am shocked by the poor standard of English exhibited by some researchers. It would appear that standards in Grammer have always been poor and is not a recent issue."

This has also concerned Choughworld's lead educational reporter, Mr E.Grammar who noted "With the falling numbers of children entering private education there will be the need to create huge numbers of places in state schools. If state schools cannot teach the basics to the number of children currently employed at schools, how will they manage the increased numbers?"

We pose the following questions to our readers; should the birch be brought back into state schools to drive up educational standards? should we sack our current group of researchers? should state schools refuse entry to children from families that voted UKIP?

You decide.

Choughworld Journalists in Hacking Scandal

A journalist, earlier today.

The Blogosphere has been rocked by allegations that Choughworld journalists are being investigated by the Metropolitan Police over allegations of Twitter Hacking.

In the first example of prosecutions outside News International and Trinity Mirror Group, our Chip Pan Fire correspondant, Mr Chough, has been interviewed under caution.

"I had no idea that reading Twitter and then reporting it as news was illegal," he protested.  "Journalists at the MEN have been doing it for years."

A source at the Metropolitan Police countered this argument.  "Ignorance of the Law is no excuse," said an unnamed source.  "Off the record," he continued. "If Mr Chough wants to continue doing this, I can tell him where to leave the plain brown padded envelopes."

The Pope: No Overall Decision

Black Smoke continued to pour out of the Sistine Chapel today, as cardinals failed to come to an overall agreement on who should be the next Duce of the Roman Catholic Church.

Front runner Keira Knightly has failed to achieve the two thirds majority required to be elected as the worlds first confirmed female pope.

Female Catholic Ann Widdecombe gushed "It would be a great break with tradition to have a female Pope, and a step on the way to having a female Catholic Pope."

Ms Knightley's front running appeal has surprised more traditional Celebrity candidates.  Barry Chuckle, part of the Chuckle Brothers' joint candidacy commented:-  "What's she got that we haven't?  As far as I'm aware she's never said 'To me, to you' or travelled to gigs in a camper van.  She's not even from Rotherham."

Professor Brian Cox was unavailable for comment on this, but covered his disappointment up by claiming that Manchester would become a world centre for graphenes, which are a modern form of pencil.

UK Drowns its Sorrows

In line with most other national papers, we start today with the news that in another amazing u-turn the Prime Minister is expected to announce his flagshit proposal to introduce a minimum price per unit of alcohol is to be dropped or 'kicked into the long grass.'





The cabinet has successfully(?) argued with the Prime Minister Dick Cameroon that this proposal will cost the Tories the next election and needs to be dropped.

Whilst most nationals announce this news with particular glee, Choughworld being a more unbiased and balanced news outlet has to question whether the proposal should have been dropped. Here are some opposing consequences to the news.

If we consider what some of the impacts the proposal could have had, should it have become law:

• It could have been another 'nail in the coffin' for the Tories as their popularity amongst pensioners would have plummeted as a result of pensioners sobbering up and seeing what is really happening (cataracts permitting,)
• It may have shut up the health Tsars for a few weeks, and
• It would have given Moanchester's Health Supremo Patrica Carnival an excuse to 'appear' in our shite rival the Manchester City Centre News, to claim a victory.

However, now the proposal is likely to be dropped it could have the following impacts:

• Pensioners can continue to remain in a drunken stupor and keep believing the Tory promises not to hurt them through any Welfare Cuts,
• It will allow the health Tsars the opportunity to complain about another 'nail in the coffin' of the NHS, and
• It will give Moanchester's Health Commissar Pracktika Carnival an excuse to be in our rival rag to complain about the Tories letting the children of Moanchester down, forcing them into  poverty due to the excessive drinking of the people in the City Centre.

Whilst we at Choughworld have our own views, we would like to hear from you -our long suffering readers, should the proposal be dropped?

Health Service "overstretched" by obesity crisis

The head of Moanchester Infirmary's Clinical Services has said that his staff were seeing a shocking rise in the number of drastically overweight patients.

Michael Harpoon-Throttler has admitted that they are struggling to cope with the increase in patients requiring a range of complex and costly treatments. Diabetes, cardio-vascular disease, worn out joints, Man-boobs and personal hygiene crises are a regular sight for the doctors and nursing staff.

"We have opened a new clinic for the clinically and morbidly obese on the top floor of the hospital and we are literally buckling under the demand. We are going to need an increase of funding of around 25% this year, to re-inforce the floors. The people of Moanchester seem to have adopted a mainly sedantry lifestyle, and a sausage roll diet. I am worried about the long term prospects for the health of this Region, but I am more worried about what I might see the next time the sun comes out"


A typical June sight in Piccadilly Gardens.

Terry Dunlop from the Manchester branch of Overeaters Anonymous was critical of the hospital. "Overweight people need sympathy, not criticism that undermines their already low esteem. Eating is a form of compensating for feelings of inadequacy. Some of the people we see are very lonely and see no-one from one day to the next apart from the lady at the pie shop, or the chippy, or the take-away pizza delivery boy. We want the NHS to support people to gradually reduce their dependency on food, allow them to go cold turkey, or perhaps a nice risotto and garlic bread "

Refuse collection a "load of rubbish"

A Middleton pensioner has slammed local Town Hall bosses after her bin has been repeatedly missed by refuse crews. Now a backlog of bags has built up in her garden and she is petrified at the risk of rats.




71 year old widow Edith Poker told our reporter the problem first started 12 weeks ago when she put her bin out, but it wasn't emptied. "I waited and waited for them to come, but after 5 days gave up and brought my bin in. I put it out again two days later, but still they didn't come for it."


Edith's bin.

After 6 weeks and the bill spilling over, she rang the council and was told it was her responsibility to pull her bin out. "I told them it was too heavy, but the man was completely disinterested. He said I must have put the bin out on the wrong day. But when I told my my friend Mary, she said she had put hers out on the wrong day too, but the council came the very next day. She puts hers out on Monday, so I did but it still  got missed. It's disgusting how they treat pensioners. I fought in the war, and they should remember that."

A council spokesman said that they had repeatedly advised Mrs Poker that her refuse collection day is definitely Wednesday, and should disregard the Tuesday collection day her friend in Ordsall has. "We would be pleased to empty Mrs Poker's bins but when we sent the emergency crew out, she refused to unchain the bin from her birdbath. We hope to try again this Wednesday"

Falkland Islands Vote to 'Remain In South Atlantic'

Following years of sabre rattling between the UK and Argentinian Governments, the people of the Falkland Islands yesterday cast their votes on whether to remain in the South Atlantic or be forcibly moved to the Isle of Wight.




In an online EXCLUSIVE we can reveal that Falkland Islanders have voted to remain in the South Atlantic rather than get any closer to the UK, despite it being less windy and a more temperate climate overall than where they are now.

One islander, who wished to remain annonymous for fear of reprisals, voted to move saying "I am disappointed with the results of this vote as I am sick and tired of this wind. It blows constantly and I have lost a large number of clothes that I have put on my washing line. Where do people think I will get the money from to replace the clothes?"

Overwhelmingly however islanders voted to remain as far away from the UK as possible. Another islander said "We have seen what is happening in the UK and people want to stay well away from there. Whilst it may be a hard life living on these remote wind-swept islands, we hear what the UK Government is doing in the UK and want to be as far away from them as possible."

The Argentinian Government expressed their gratitude to the invaders of the Malvinas with their offical spokesperson for these matters saying "We are glad the people of the Malvinas voted to remain in the South Atlantic. It will allow us to continue to use the disputed sovereignty of the islands as a political tool to whip up Argentinians anger, thereby distracting our own populations  attention away from the way we mishandle Argentina's economy."

Do you think the islanders were right to remain where they are?

The 'Best Chippie in the Vatican City' Elections

Today Vatican officials will begin debating which Cardinal makes the best chips.




The process will start at 9:00 with prayers extolling the virtues of chips, followed by each Cardinal making representations on why they should be crowned Pope, or as we call it - the best chippie in the Vatican City.

Following the debate, a vote will take place to select a small number of Cardinals who will then have to prove their chip cooking abilities with a practical exam. The final winner will be selected following a blind taste test by the Swiss Guards, using a modified system of proportional representation.

At stake is the rights to manage and operate the Vaticans large number of authentic Italian chippies, selling this popular Italian staple to the millions of visitors to St Peters Square every year.

Said one cardinal before entering the closed discussions 'We all know who makes the best chips but we have to spend hours, if not days, debating this to justify our belief that whoever we choose has the backing of all other Cardinals.'

Chief Vatican Fire Officer Alfonso deWonga expressed concern that a large number of older folk all trying to cook chips in an enclosed space could result in disaster. He said "We will be watching the chimney closely for any sign of misshap. Normally chip pan fires produce black smoke, but the special technology fitted to the chimney converts black smoke to white smoke and viceaversa. So we will be looking for white smoke, which will indicate a chip pan fire has started."

Which Cardinal do you think should be voted best chippie maker in the Vatican? Perhaps another member of the Hitler youth will provide continuity; perhaps a Cardinal whose can upholster chairs and is good at covering things up or perhaps even a Cardinal with a history of successfully running childrens clubs?

You decide !

MEN: There Ain't No-one here but us Trolls...

David Wilton - or is it Thoughtful?

A rather sad story in the MEN turned into a Troll fest, as they actually start feeding on each other for lack of real people to attack.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/family-woman-locked-in-syndrome-say-1734983#comments

Rather sad, and the exact oppostive of what they set out to achieve by reducing people's ability to comment.

Mothers Day Special

Not to be outdone by our poor excuse of a rival, Choughworld wishes you to share with us any events or presents that makes today a special Mothers Day, so we do not have to do any of the work ourselves.




In fine tradition, the Scratchingmyhead family celebrated Mothers Days with a Mother and Daughter trip to Stepping Hill Hospital. Whilst it was not a deliberate act, their daughter somehow managed (again) to require the services of their local A&E department on Mothers Day.

Speaking after spending 3 hours in A&E, Mrs Scratchingmyhead declared 'I do not know how she manages it, but it seems every Mothers Day I spend hours with an ill daughter in A&E, she obviously has a special gift.'

Whilst at A&E a large number of husbands were observed holding fingers dripping with blood. Asked for a statement, a nurse who did not want to be named said 'It happens every year, dads decide to cook tea for their wives and have accidents, usually involving sharp knives. The NHS should start a campaign to raise awareness that husbands and sharp knives do not mix.'

MEN Redefines Greater Manchester Boundary

Todays MEN contains a report on the number of parking tickets issued in Greater Manchester, identifying the different areas within Greater Manchester and the numbers issued by them.






The MEN now defines Greater Manchester as only containing the following areas:

• Manchester,
• Salford,
• Bolton,
• Trafford,
• Tameside and
• Rochdale.

There was great celebration is Stockport as people finally got definitive proof of what they always believed, they were not part of Greater Manchester as far as the MEN is concerned. Said the leader of Stockport Council, Mr A.Dingle-Booth 'Finally the MEN has confirmed what we have always believed, they do not give a shit about us in Stockport -paying only lip service to our hard working residents. Now they have finally confirmed this, we can take action to stop them selling their tawdy daily claptrap paper in our town.'

However not everyone was happy, one resident who did not wish to be named for fear of reprisals and derision said 'But that means I would have to travel into Manchester to get the local rag -this is typical of Manchester's Labour viewpoint, they hate us LibDem areas that do not conform to their view despite making us pay for every edition.'

Manchester Council leader Sir Dick Lease-it-back distanced itself from the MEN actions saying 'Stockport provides a lot of funding into the economy of Manchester City Centre whilst not asking for anything in return. If Stockport's money was not chanelled into our transportation system we will have to raise council tax even further.'

Well there we have it, Stockport is no longer part of Greater Manchester and plans are afoot to make it a district of Spain, hoping to import better weather.

Moanchester Introduces New Car Parking System

Yesterday Manchester TfGM introduced a new real-time Car Parking System for motorists still ignoring their message not to commute into the city centre by cars.





The system was launched by City Centre Supremo Patricia Carnival at a £1.5m celebrity attended ceremony on the roof of the Town Hall. Amongst the star-studded line up was ex-Prime Minister Mr Tony Blair and his 'prince of darkness' Mr Peter Mandelson; singer-songwriter Maradonna and making a guest appearance Peter Pan -all the way from never never land.

Before launching the new system Patrica 'the stripper' Carnival said 'For far too long has Manchester City Centre suffered noise and light pollution along with rising levels of NO2 reducing our childrens ability to survive, no more I say, it is time for pedestrians and our own dirty carcinogenic diesel buses to reclaim the streets.'

To the sounds of rapcious applause, he continued 'For far too long the self-centered motorist has had it too easy, they have ignored our warnings, they have ignored our suggestions to move to public transport, well that is it, we have had enough, like North Korea -we are launching our own nuclear weapons.'

With that final statement, Mrs Carnival released the ceremonial bottle of champagne from the roof of the Town Hall, smashing onto the ground below and activating the new system.

Withing minutes the first cars started to enter the new car park, only to detonate hidden land mines blasting their cars and occupants upwards, with the cars coming back to earth but their occupants heading in the other direction.

Is this a step to far? Has Manchester City Centre Councillors lost their marbles and will Peter Pan be able to find them again?

Amateur Weatherman Prediction

Heatwave on the way?

MEV's resident amateur weatherman has made this year's weather predictions.

"April will be full of showers, to be followed by flowers," he said predictably.  "I also predict that the weather will get a little warmer, before getting cold again."

Looking sagely into his seaweed collection, Mr Burt Swaddletooth explained that he has been making ludicrous weather predictions for decades, none of which has ever come true.


"I used to rely on looking out of the window," he said. "Before deciding on whether to wear a sun hat, or take my umbrella. But now I have decades of data on which to base my ludicrous predictions."

MEV's real weather forecaster, Mr Michael Fish countered Swaddletooth's predictions. "Do you really believe that the Met Office would invest zillions of pounds on computers if it were as simple as looking out of the window, and guessing what the weather was going to be like?  Well yes we would actually, but that's another matter."

Trampwatch: Are you a Tramp?

A Tramp, earlier today

We all see them in the streets of Manchester.  Some of us ignore them, some of us give them a few coins and some angrily remonstrate with them.  But how can we tell if we are tramps.



Without using any celebrities to help, we have come up with the following tell tale signs.  Maybe your partner, your parents or a work colleague are tramps, but you don't realise it.

1. Do you drink a bit too much? 
2. Are you wearing clean clothes today?  Even your socks and pants?
3. Personal grooming - are you looking your best, or can't you be bothered?
4. Income - are you independently wealthy, or do you rely on handouts - or wages - from others?
5. Do you smell of wee?

If you answer 'yes' to any of these questions, then you are probably on your way to being - or already are - a tramp.

Eat Sh*t and Die!

Sausages - deadlier than chip pans

The internet was left reeling today after boffins announced that if you shovel processed sh*t into your mouth year after year you will die younger.

Our science correspondant Professor Brian Cox explained it this way.  "Imagine your mouth is the entrance to our Solar System, and that rather than being a big empty globe, it is a funnel of gravity.   In this case your bowels are the sun.  Sausages are gamma rays from another galaxy, spewed out by a black hole.  They will kill you stone dead."

Morrissey, in his heyday.

Other commentators were more sceptical, and a debate broke out whether posh sausages and organic bacon will kill you stone dead too.

"Yes they will," said our food correspondent Morrissey (real name Steven Patrick Morrissey).  "It just goes to show that meat isn't just murder, it's suicide.  And it damn well serves you right."







Following a freedom of information request, Choughworld has established that chip pan fires cause an astounding 50 deaths per year, whereas sausages kill an equally amazing 43 people per day. 

It beggars belief that people still deep fry sausages in chip pans.

UK Film Industry to remake Bambi

It has been announced today that the UK film industry is to remake the classic Disney film Bambi.



In an unusual twist, the new film will take the viewpoint of the hunter who shoots Bambi's mother.

The inspiration for the film comes from a scientist's report claiming that half of all deer in the UK should be shot to protect the environment.

Said the films producers 'This will not be an animated film and will not use any CGI. It will follow the unseen but infamous hunter who shot Bambi's mother; showing their trials and tribulations as they go round the UK shooting defenceless animals. It will be an educational film which we hope will inspire thousands of children to take up blood sports and revitalise the countryside.'

However the announcement of the new film has been met with criticism from the English Deer Defence League (EDDL). Their spokesdeer Ms S.O.D Off responded to our researcher's approaches by running off.

She did however reply to our text requesting a statement by saying "First they wanted to start killing off the small animals, like our friends the Badgers, then the foxes -now they are moving up to larger animals like deers, where will it end...soon the countryside will be devoid of any animals."

Whilst we acknowledge Choughworld researchers love all animals and are slightly biased, we do have to ask -is killing all the animals in the countryside to make way for new £2m+ houses such a good idea?

Page 3 for Schools

The BBC have reported that Rupert Murdochs 'educational business' Amplify is to release a cheap and cheerful tablet computer targetting schools market in the US.

For the full report, click on the link below:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-21683616







Once it has established itself in the US, it is only a matter of time before the UK follows -like in recent wars.

However we have to ask, is this something UK schools should be looking at or should the fact that Mr Murdochs empire has allegedly been behind some dodgy dealings bar him from entering the educational sector.

Do we really want our school children logging onto The Sun's website and seeing Page 3 models displaying their assets?

Chuckle Brother in Sore Throat Scare

Paul Chuckle (left)

Choughworld was shocked today at news that Paul Chuckle has been stricken by a throat infection. 

During a break in his "The Chuckle Brothers meet The Phantom" tour of Yorkshire, North Wales and the North West, Paul Chuckle revealed "I need cheering up.  I've had a bad bad throat for 3 days. On ante's now".  It is believed 'ante' is street slang for Antibiotics.

Barry Chuckle was unavailable (on Twitter) to comment, while the Chuckle Brothers official Twitter feed was strangely silent.

Showbiz insider Joshy Smiles reveals - "It's a well know fact that the Chuckle Brothers are paranoid about passing on germs to each other.  They have separate camper vans in which they travel to shows.  As Paul once said to me 'Barry doesn't want to pass an infection to me, to you'".

Cameron in Shock U-Turn

Our crack team of researchers have learnt that our Prime Minister, David Cameron, is about to make another shock U-turn, this time on voting age.




Whilst he is 'allowing' Scottish youths age 16+ to vote on the independance of Scotland, he has resisted calls for the lowering voting age for UK general elections.

However following an indepth survey by the influential think-tank mumsnet, which showed most mums who took part believe their child can think like an adult at the age of 12, with a third believing it to be nearer 10, the prime minister is reconsidering his position.

We currently understand that the Prime Minister is consulting with other think-tanks and lobby groups as to whether the voting age should be reduced to 3 months, with expectant mothers being able to vote by proxy until the child reaches 3 years old.

This news has angered the lobbyists from Fathers for Justice with their spokesperson, Mr M.Y.Rights, saying "This is deplorable, why should mums automatically be given the voting rights of children under 3, fathers play an equally important role in a childs development and lets face it, we are more likely to vote Labour.'

A member of  the pseudo-facist right wing extremist group UKIP expressed concern at the latest Tory policy proposals 'This was one of our policies in Eastleigh and the Prime Minister has stolen it, again.' He/she added 'We need more votes and anything that can be done to increase our chances of wrecking the UK economy more that the ConDem coalition has to be seriously considered, unlike our party.'

One 5-year old youth who we found walking the streets of Sale when they should have been in school opined 'this would be great, there could be a new Bob the Builder party to represent the views of us little ones. Let's face facts, the economy is down the pan and Bob can fix it.'

What do your, our long suffering readers think?

Should the voting system in the UK be rigged so that our Proprietor, and your soon to be Supreme Overlord, Mr R.Chough can be elected to become the first imaginary PM in UK history -because as we all now know, Chough knows everything (see poll above).

Sowing Your Seeds

At Choughworld we like to encourage our readers to become more 'green fingered' and grow their own vegetables. Not only does producing your own food help reduce the families food bill, but it also helps reduce a families 'carbon footprint.'




As the more experienced gardeners will know, it is now time to start sowing your seeds.

The first step should be to identify what vegetables you actually like. This may sound silly, but it would surprise you how many people grow vegetables they do not like, only later in the year questioning their actions.

Once you have identified the vegetables you like, the next step is to identify what vegetables you want to grow. Again this may sound a silly step, but some crops take time to mature; Leeks for example will take until at least October to mature properly; Cabbages can take a lot of 'looking after' which would be no good if you do not have the time and Sweetcorn takes up a lot of space, which is no good if you do not have access to a garden.

Once you have decided what you eat and what you want to grow, the next step is to go to a local shop which sells seed. Our expert grower Mr P.Pann, whilst not doing this himself, advises using local shops wherever possible to keep them in business. He claims 'you can often find real bargains is your local shops and your business is essential to keeping them open for your children to enjoy when they have children.'

In Sale for example, some pet shops also sell seeds which is a real blessing if you have kids or a partner nagging you, as they become suitably distracted whilst you have time to peruse the selection of seeds available, just make sure you do not come home with a pet and no seeds -a rookie mistake.

Once you have selected the seeds you wish to grow, remembering first to pay for them, take them home and leave them for 24 hours to acclimatise to your household environment. Once they have become accustomed to the 'normal' background noise, they will then become attuned to your soothing voice as you encourage them to germinate and grow.

All that you need to do now is follow the instructions on the packets, wait for them to mature and then enjoy eating them...what could be easier.

Our expert grower Mr P.Pann has grown crops for many years and has some exciting new specimens to showcase what can be achieved with a little patience. He explains:

 'This plant took some patience as I had to cross breed a rose bush and a rabbit. Whilst I suffered a number of failures in the first few years, getting some really wierd results, eventually I managed to produce the following rose bush which produces the most beautiful rabbit shaped flowers.'

 

'This plant again took time to create, it is a low growing bush used for ground cover to beat those infernal weeds. This specimen has the added advantage in that it has a tube extending from its bum to its mouth, which if you connect to a water supply also makes a beautiful water feature.'

'This final specimen I have been working on for most of my adult years, and is quite unique in the world of cross-hibridisation of rabbits and plants in that it actually produces rabbit poop-like pellets out of its bum to refertilize the soil, making it the worlds only self-fuelling plant.'















Do you have any gardenning tips you would care to share or possibly, but unlikely, any weirder plant specimens?