Moanchester Evening Views Swearing Competition

Following yesterdays rant by an Anonymous poster, Choughworld is initiating a swearing competition.






Entry is free and no one wins a prize -except the kudos of knowing they beat a whole load of other foul-mouthed bloggers.

Good luck and may the foulest-mouth blogger win.....

Lancashire's Secret Incendiary Weapon

For most of us an Eccles Cake is a nice tea time treat, however reports have been received that they are in fact an 'incendiary' weapon developed during the War of the Roses.






Whilst most incendiary weapons are intended to be used fairly quickly after manufacture, this 'hidden' weapon needed the advent of the Microwave Oven in order to function properly.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2329640/Rise-house-fires-caused-overheating-Eccles-cakes-microwave.html

Speaking after a house fire in Manchester, GMFRS spokesperson Mr Put It-Out said, "Whilst these innocent looking, and may I say rather delicious, cakes have been a tea time treat for many generations -it now appears they are infact an an early form of incendiary device developed during the War of the Roses. However, as was typical at the time, they never developed the associated ignition device -well today we have it, the microwave."

So beware Eccles Cake eaters of the world, this could replace chip pan fires as the biggest source of domestic ignition points.

Is a MEN Commentator Inciting Racists Crimes?

Following the murder of Lee Rigby this week, is serial MEN Commentator Mrs David Wilton using its pages to organise or incite revenge racist attacks this weekend?





On a story regarding the returning First Battalion, Duke of Lancaster’s Regiment, Mrs Thoughtful opined that they 'hoped' there would be no revenge attacks because of this attrocity.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/hundreds-turn-out-cheer-brave-4005391

However, we ask, was this simply a ruse in order to call her followers to arms?

UKIP In Historic Split with Facism

Nigel Falange, looking Thoughtful

In a move that shocked his followers evertywhere, UKIP's Caudillo Nigel Falange has denounced fascism.  On a rare visit to Scotland, the shiney buffoon managed to alienate a nation by referring to the scotch as 'fascist scum'.

This move will confuse some of his followers, who don't really understand Europe, but do recognise a someone with a robust attitude towards immigration that matches their own.

More unhinged members of his far right movement understood his sentiments.  "This is typical of the fascist left," ranted Thoughtful.  "As soon as someone expresses a robust view on racism, they are denounced by these anti-English racists."

Others are more confused by Falange's move to curry voters in Scotland, which is currently indulging in a referendum to leave the UK, but stay in Europe.  "I don't understand, is it me or wot, but will we have two referendums, what if we want to leave Europe and leave the UK?"

Don't worry UKIP voters, if this all gets too confusing, just remember that Falange shares your views on immigration, and that's all you care about.

Parents Get to Smack their Children in World's Biggest Primark

Parents were giddy today with news that Primark - the City Centre's premier child smacking venue - has been extended.

"This is a dream come true", said a mum of two who wished to remain anonymous. "I have a choice of 3 floors to smack my kids on now.  I can tell them to I'm fucking sick of them in the basement, threaten them on the ground floor, and belt them on the first floor."

Manchester Social Services were unavailable for comment.

Puppy Love?

Whilst we have in the past expressed our love of all animals, with the exception of one persons so-so opinion on cats, is it time to take more direct action, from the comfort of your own sofa that is?






Whilst we normally ridicule our tawdry rival chip wrapper, we have to acknowledge them for bringing to our attention the following story.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/woman-dead-dogs-probe-wants-open-3565958

In summary:

In November last year an address was raided by Police and RSPCA officials who discovered lots of puppies being kept in deplorable conditions, 4 of which were dead, with the others having to be  taken into care.

However, less than 6 months later, that same person has applied to Stockport Council to allow them to breed puppies for sale at that same address. Whilst comments were not allowed on this story on their main webshite, they were allowed on their Facebook site.

A poster on their Facebook site has provided a link to the planning application submission allowing people to express their opinions before Stockport Council decided whether to allow a 'change of use' for that property.

The link is as follows:

http://planning.stockport.gov.uk/PlanningData/AcolNetCGI.gov?ACTION=UNWRAP&RIPNAME=Root.PgeResultDetail&TheSystemkey=117359

If you wish to express your opinion, then please do. After all, despite Mrs Wilton's comments, this is a democracy.

Michelle Obama's Transformation

In recognition of Prince Harry's love of the cult BBC series -Red Dwarf, the US First Lady Michelle Obama underwent a radical facial and hair transformation to look like it's Cat character's alterego 'Dwaine Dibbly.'





Whilst we cannot show you the actual picture, due to copyright issues, we would recommend you view it at the link below and let us know whether you are a 'Dwarfer'

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/index.html

New London Airport Announced

London will commence building its new 'Boris' London airport later this year, with the forecast that it will replace Heathrow as the UK's principal hub within 10 years.






Construction contracts are due to be signed today that will pave the way for the construction of the new 'Boris' London Airport.

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has argued since he was first elected that Londoners need a new airport and that it should be built within his realm.

Whilst the Government's unofficial position is that Heathrow should be expanded, Sir Johnson has robustly argued that these expansion plans will mean that constituents in his City State will experience even greater environmental pollution and receive no benefit.

Despite opposition from his own constituents that building the new 'Boris' airport would increase environmental pollution by having the airport located in East London as opposed to out in the countryside, Mr Johnson has commissioned no less that 1024 reports to prove that his detractors are 'narrow minded and relatively poor people, as opposed to those in the west of London who are rich and therefore enlightened.'

In order to make the new London airport commercially viable, Mr Johnson has decreed that Heathrow should be invaded by his serfs and closed for good.

However a MP select committee looking into this conflict of opinion has reported today that the purchase of land in East London would make this new airport prohibitively expensive for tax payers and called on Mr Johnson to be hung, drawn and quartered.

In typical 'Boris' style Mr Johnson laughed at their suggestions and said that the land issue was a red-herring as they would simply use his own ego to land the planes on.

We ask, are you a 'Boris' airport supporter, an expanded Heathrow supporter or a couldn't give a monkeys supporter as long as Boris goes?

Prolific Poster Confuses 'Racist' with 'Nutcase'

Oswald Moseley, he hated trains too.

In a shocking move, prolific poster David Wilton reveals that he's unclear of the difference between a racist and a nutcase.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/legal-bid-put-high-speed-rail-3415777#comments

Presumably those who are both struggle to distinguish which parts of their brains are nutty and a fruitcake and those which are as racist as a UKIP candidate attempting to grab a camera.

So for all of Choughworld's slower witted UKIP supporting readers, here's our 'are you a racist?' quiz.

1) Do you hate other people because of their skin colour, ethnicity or religion?
2) Do you get confused between high speed trains and immigrants?
3) Do you feel the need to post nonsense to a message board that nobody reads?

If you answered 'Yes' to 1) then you are indeed a racist.
If you answered 'Yes' to 2) then you are a nutcase.
If you answered 'Yes' to 1 and 2 then you are a racist nutcase.
If you answered 'Yes' to 3 then Choughworld needs you as a contributor.

North Korea Leader Inspects Latest High Tech Weapons Factory

The North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Un, visited one of his countries most secret weapons development factories and inspected the results of 30 years worth of Govrnment funded research.





http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/05/06/kim-jong-un-gardening-_n_3223001.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Whilst most reports indicate that this is a 'farming' institute, researchers at Choughworld see beyond this flimsy charade. Our analysis of these devices highlight some of the progress that North Korea has made in the last 30 years.

Apparently what was on show was:

• a seed hopper - most soldiers still carry backpacks containing vital warmongering equipment, as they have done for the last 500 years. However North Korea has looked into this back straining problem and have developed a wheeled version to save their soliders health. Whilst it may look like a seed hopper, it is in actual fact a small weapons carrier.

• a lawn mower - this is in fact a remote controlled minature tank, whose primary weapon is hidden within its main body. It also has a secondary weapon that is actually a series of rotating blades, used to trim of the heads of any enemies lying in fox holes.

So there you have it, North Korea readies for war and I am readying for a holiday.