Travel to work free - for all our readers.

Motoring circles have been in excited discussions today after Professor Derrick Acora at Moanchester University for Inductry, Shoes and Technology revealed his scientific paper on the possibility of solar powered cars, even in Moanchester.

Prof Acora has spent years examining the practicality of fitting solar cells to standard cars in place of internal combustion. "I have had a working prototype for several years and used it to commute to work for free, If I'm right, everyone could soon eliminate their petrol costs and travel to work free."

Our Motoring Correspondent Jemima Pilchard has her reservations about the degree of efficiency that such a vehicle might offer the users. She has done some reseacrh of her own and a conservative estimate of the cost of a new solar car is around £38,000. She also borrowed UMIST's prototype for her commute to Chough House. "Getting there was a breeze. Top speed was a gentle 15 miles per hour, so I didn't have to worry about killing any foxes, more's the pity. Harnessing the power of the sun, cost me just the sum of £4 as it took me so long to travel from my home in Bowden after setting off that I needed another breakfast."

 
 The commuter of the future may travel in cars like these.

Prof Acora's economic miracle took another knock when Jemima came to travel home at 7pm. As it was past dusk, the car wouldn't go and she had to pay a further £150 to get the car towed home.

When we contacted UMIST with our findings, they rejected the criticism on the basis that the savings were based on a standard 3 mile journey from Didsbury to UMIST, made during a typical working day in academia between 11am and 3pm.

GMP were also less than impressed with the prospect of solar powered vevicles. Inspector Barry Tard was concerned that slow moving cars in the rush hour might lead to frustration and more road rage incidents.
"I am concerned that slow moving cars in the rush hour might lead to frustration and more road rage incidents."

Manchester's oldest man dies

Choughworld was saddened to learn that Manchester's self declared oldest man and custodian of truth has died today at the ripe old age of 139.



Percy Conker, or "Archie" to all his friends, died peacefully in his sleep at Oldham Library after his customary visit to read the papers and point out to gathered on-lookers the inconsistencies, factual errors and simple plain lies in the English tabloid media.

Archie was never quite sure of his exact date of birth, as he was abandoned as a baby and brought up by badgers. He recalled one of his earliest memories was the headlines of the papers reporting the shooting of Billy the Kid. He told our reporter in 1997, "I remember seeing the photo on the front page and the fella was neither a child, nor in anyway goat-like. It was then I resolved to strive for truth and honesty in the newspaper industry, and vowed never to rest until I achieved it."

He led a successful campaign in the 1920's to ban the use of a certain word in print after a High Court ruled it was excessivly vulgar. Even today we can't put it in this item. He was also instrumental in the removal of The Goodies off British TV, on the basis it was crap.

Archie found modern technology difficult to deal with most recently . He refused to use social media and like so many others, found himself isolated from the MEN community he used to love winding up. His one concession was a wheelbarrow, which he used to ferry unsold copies of the Diely Moan for their intended proper purpose to the outside privvies at Crompton Road football fields.

God bless you Archie

Choughworld Supports Bill Oddie's Badger Campaign

While Choughworld has previously been split down the middle over the cat vs dog debate, our editorial line is firmly against Badger Culling.

As Choughworld's adopted celebrity birder said, on Twitter:-

"Heyho, here we go again.Notice to all badgers: fear not ,we shall not forget you. Owen Paterson, we won't forget you either. Go Team Badger."

Sign the Petition Here

Badger Hating Tory Twat, Owen Paterson

 

National Chip Pan Fire Month Reaches a Blazing Climax

DO NOT try this at home.

Despite earlier indications that chip pan fires in Manchester were a thing of the past (http://choughworld.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/chip-pan-fires-league-table.html) an elderly lady from Irlam has bucked this trend, "after a pan of food caught fire on an electric oven".

While it is not clear whether this was a traditional chip pan fire or not, we will ignore that detail, and declare this the final chip pan fire of National Chip Pan Fire month, and therefore the dubious winner.

http://www.manchesterfire.gov.uk/updates/incidents/28feb2013_woman_suffers_smoke_inhalation.aspx?utm_source=dlvr.it&utm_medium=twitter

Irlam, 'City' of Salford

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Choughworld Goes Global

As its tawdry rival goes into terminal decline, Choughworld is going from strength to strength, and is now a global player.

In addition to the readers from the UK, we now have hits from mainland Europe, both North and South America and the Far East.

Entry	Pageviews
United Kingdom	5661
United States	93
Canada	42
Germany	37
China	3
Hong Kong	3
Malaysia	2
Ukraine	2
Colombia	1
France	1

"I'm flabbergasted," said proprieter Mr Chough. "When I set up this blog as a rival to the declining MEN, I did expect it to be a global success, but not so quickly."

Barry Chuckle added "I travel all over Yorkshire in a campervan with my brother Paul Chuckle, touring venues as diverse as Hull, Rotherham, Sheffield and Harrogate. Choughworld is popular there, so I'm not surprised it's popular in China."

We asked Professor Brian Cox if space aliens enjoyed Choughworld, but he just gazed into the distance, as if contemplating more important things.

The World, Earlier Today

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Are you viewing Choughworld from outside the UK?  Please tell us why...

Tumble Driers as bad for you as Chips

As part of Choughworld's campaign to keep our homes safe from chip pan fires, we are adding washing machines and tumble driers to our hit list.

These innocent looking devices are just as capable of starting fires as the more traditional 'put the chip pan on when drunk and fall asleep' scenario.

Here is the Choughworld advice, on how to keep you, and your family safe.




1) Don't fry chips at home. 
2) Buy them from your local chippy.
3) On your way to the chippy, drop your clothes off at the launderette.
4) Once you've eaten your chips, pick up your washing and go home.
5) Watch the roads.
6) If you are foolish enough to use a tumble drier and it catches fire, do not throw water over it.
7) Make sure you have enough clean underwear so that you can pop out to the launderette in clean pants, so that if you do get run over, you won't be embarrassed at the hospital.

http://www.manchesterfire.gov.uk/updates/incidents/27feb_2012_two_electrical_appliance_fires-.aspx

We Are Catching Up

Figures released by the Audit Bureau of Circulations (ABC) regional newspaper sales survey in August 2012 shows that the MEN circulation (paid for copies) dropped 6.5% in the previous year, whereas the total MEN circulation ('paid-for' and 'given away free' copies) dropped a mammoth 13.2%.





Whilst this was reported in The Northerner in August 2012, our researcher does not remember it being reported in the MEN.

For The Northerners full report, please click on the following link:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2012/aug/29/manchester-evening-news-abc-figures?INTCMP=SRCH

In actual numbers, the circulation for revenue generating 'paid-for' copies dropped from 57,000 to a measly 52,696, with the Northerner reporting this as one of the biggest year-on-year drops among the major regional evening newspapers.

The full ABC report can be found at

http://www.abc.org.uk/Search-Results/?type=all&SearchInput=manchester+evening+news&DisplayAll=

and it shows that the this is not a one-off drop, there has been a downward trend since at least 2010 when the total circulation was over 90,000 in 2010 to just over 78,000 for 2012.

Utilising complex Choughworld developed statistical analysis tools, we can for the first time reveal the future of the MEN. Our tools predict that the MEN will not sell a single copy by the end of 2014, making it as dead as a dodo.

However by contrast Choughworld, despite only being available for 2 months, has grown its readership from 1 to over 4 (4 for definite, but possibly up to 9) -a phenominal growth rate of at least 400%

We can therefore confidently state that we are catching up and will overtake them sometime in the future....well done everyone

MEN Still a Forum for Nutcases

In a shocking move, it appears the the MEN is still a forum for "I'm not racist but I am" nutcases.

Readers were devastated to see that despite draconian restrictions on freedom of speech, bigots are still using MEN as a ranting post.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/whats-on/theatre/theatre-review-tull-bolton-octagon-1348896#comments

In his comment 'David Wilton' refers to 'politically correct bigotry', 'because now 'white isn't right' 'the PC brigade', and finishes off with a long quote from 1984, as if a decent, intelligent man like Orwell somehow supports right whingers from beyond the grave.

Are Stockport Council Being Clever

...as we cannot comment on the MEN website, it is time to let Choughworld lead the discussion.

One of the reports in the MEN today concerns Stockport Council 'writing off' roughly £200K.

Whilst Stockport Council knows exactly who owes it, for a variety of reasons, the money cannot be collected and is therefore being written off.

Please read the full story and then continue reading my viewpoint...

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/stockport-council-writes-200k-owed-1348366

OK, read it now? then here goes...

In a paragraph in the report it states that Stockport Council only collects the money before passing it on to Central Government, if the money cannot be collected and is 'written off,' it does not come off the Councils budget but off the Central Government's pot.

So, in my opinion, the main thrust of the story is -shock horror what a wasteful council, despite  'slashing' jobs it is also writing off a huge amount of money due to their 'incompetance.' But this is a load of bollocks, as the journo goes on to admit.....it doesn't make a jot of difference to the Council's financial situation.

Now the bit that may make Stockport Council clever....possibly

As the report correctly states, come April this arrangement changes. After April any uncollected moneys will have to be 'made up' from the council's pot of money. So are the Council dumping as much 'debt' as possible before the change occurs such that afterwards they do not impact their ongoing finances in years to come.

Clever or just plain incompetent

Cats Genetically Identical to Dogs

Dog - Confused

Prof Brian Cox has shocked the pet world by revealing that Cats and Dogs are in fact the same species.

Cat - Shocked

"Genetically," he gushed, "all animals are descended from a single celled organism, and so cats dogs and foxes are in fact, genatically all the same."
Choughworld's reporter tried to press him on this point, but the dopey middle aged heart-throb asked us to imagine a Roland keyboard over 4 1/2 miles long.

"Cats and Dogs," he opined. "Are in fact the same note on the keyboard, a very low 'C', while humans are a perfect minor third away." 
"It's all to do with physics, " he added mysteriously.


Do you think Cats, Dogs and Foxes are all the same species?  Rant away NOW!!!

As a Nation, Are We Getting More Forgetful

In another attempt to shock middle class England and get the sabre-rattling mobs riled, the Daily Mail has got hold of some figures to show that, as a nation, we are forgetful.





Today the Daily Moan is reporting how many convicted Paedophiles the police have 'lost track of' across the different regions of England, with Scotland apparently not being relevant as no figures are recorded.

Whilst we are sure our brethren at the MEN will catch up eventually, the news will probably be reported with the headline  'Manchester has lost more paedophiles than anywhere else in England' and only when reading the report will it state 'outside of London.'

To read the full story, we recommend you take a couple of blood pressure tablets before clicking on the link below:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2284129/Revealed-The-map-Britain-shows-convicted-paedophiles-run-area-police-lost-track-them.html

As a Nation, Are We Becoming Soft

Todays daytime temperature in the North West is going to be around the 2 degrees Celcius however  with the wind chill it will feel more like -2 degrees Celcius.

Most of us will no doubt whinge that it is cold, but is that because we have become 'soft' in this country.




In the Nordic countries it is common practice, even at -10 degrees Celcius, to put babies outside for naps during the day http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-21537988

Whilst we issue cold weather payments to the old and people with babies just because the temperature drops below 0 degrees for a few days, in the Nordic countries this temperature would seem like barmy conditions and probably unwrap their children and force them to go out and play in swimming shorts.

So has the nation become soft in the last century or are the Nordic countries just barmy?

Britain's Most Hated Person

In a comprehensive review of the British electorate by the Nationalised Statistics Office, we can identify the most hated person in Britain today.





Whilst the whole world has told him he is following the wrong economic policies, todays loss of Britains 'gold standard' AAA credit rating means that everyone will have to pay more for his mistakes.

This shock news has made our very own chancellor, the most hated man in Britain today.

Steam railway declared dog muck free zone

The Bury based East Lancashire Railway has been checked by inspectors and declared to be a dog muck free zone. This is particularly welcome news as they are holding a special Steam Engine Festival this week-end (23rd and 24th February) where large crowds are expected to attend to see the powerful engines of years gone by. The clouds of steam may have worried some potential visitors about hidden dirty deposits to trap the unwary, but not at the ELR it seems.


A typical steam locomotive.

An independant firm was brought in by Bury Council to conduct spot checks of various locations across the borough in response to public concerns following the scale of the problem reported in the Moanchester Evening Views.

Councillor Brian Trumpet told the MEV "We are as concerned as the next man about the problems that irresponsible dog owners cause. In Bury alone, the clean up costs exceed £85 annually. We engaged the expert services of Philby, Burgess and MacLean to check key places to see if we were one step ahead of other boroughs. Residents and visitors alike, can stride confidently through our streets and parks."

Councillor Trumpet went on to add that he hoped to see as many people as possible in Bury this week-end, sampling the black puddings and riding on the trains. "We even welcome dog owners" he joked.

Professor Derrick Acora from Moanchester UMIST said he'd be there to check the sulphur levels as he has ben researching theories into a connection between sulphur and ADHD in cats.

Is Audi's New Advertisment Backfiring

In the latest edition of Private Eye, Audi has placed an advert for its latest performance car, the S7.





 The advert states that the car only uses it's 8 cylinders when power and performance are needed, using only 4 for more normal driving conditions.

However they have a large picture of a cat's face, made up of two halves. The left half is a cheetahs face, the right a common tabby.

With reports on Choughworld recently of the increasing problems of cat piss being sprayed around gardens, have Audi misjudged the nations love affair with cats?

It is obvious that the public's perception of cats has changed from cuddly, fluffy pets to one of distaste at their toiletry habits.

Has Audi made a marketting blunder and does the nation really need a car that ejects cat piss all over the roads as well?

Scotlands New Currency Design Competition

It has been suggested that should Scotland leave the UK, it may be wiser to have it's own currency (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-21527789).

In an exclusive contract, Choughworld has been commissioned by the SNLP to design and name Scotland's new currency.





Our editorial staff having no idea what to suggest, have decieded to start a competition for our readers to propose designs and names for the newest currency in the world. The winner of the competition will 'win' the right to say that they have designed Scotlands new currency to anyone in a pub who will listen.

So come on, get your thinking caps on and make your best suggestions...

Falling Standards?

Far be it from me to criticise our shitty rival, but I have to pick fault with one of their stories in todays paper.




The MENU reported a older lady who had tripped on a raised grid four months ago and ended up in hospital. Her story was about the fact a council had yet to fix the problem, despite her reporting it the day after she fell.

Whilst we have every sympathy for this lady and in no way wish to blame her for the reporting of the story but....

The picture that goes with the story shows the lady standing on the edge of a pavement without the offending grid in site, like I am here.





Additionally, the council alledges to have fixed the problem some time ago but the lady complained the ground had sunk again. Whilst we cannot confirm this, because it was not in the picture (again) -we can confirm she was standing on a lowered kerb designed for easy access for people with less than perfect mobility.





I wish you could all view the story and see what I am on about, but it does not appear to be on their website....

Pensioner mugged by squirrel

Reports are coming in that a pensioner has been mugged this morning by a squirrel in Walkden.

Witnesses reported an elderly woman was hurled to the floor and robbed of her shopping by a burly grey creature. At first it was feared it had been a "hoodie" crime, but that theory was discounted when the culprit made off over the grass, up a sycamore and away. A man gave chase but was forced to give up when he realised he was unable to scale the 30 foot Horse Chestnut where the offender was hiding.

71 year old Edith Poker was leaving Wilkinson's in Walkden when a furry tree dwelling rodent pounced.
"I had just popped in to buy a bag of peanuts for the blue tits in my garden. I was on my back to my friend's house when something attacked me. I was terrribly shocked".

Store staff treated Edith for a cut and scratched hand. They also gave her another bag of nuts.

 
 Artist's impression of the offending rodent.

Rochdale-born funnyman Bill Oddie denied he was in any way to blame. When the MEV contacted him he denied that by advocating buying nuts for the birds he was putting pensioners at risk.


Bill Oddie

Readers are advised to treat all squirrels with caution, as although such attacks are rare, they are completely wild creatures. Inspector Barry Tard of GMP advises drivers not to stop if any squirrels run out in front of their cars. "We are concerned that drivers may become victims of car-jacking if they leave their vehicle to check on any squirrels they inadvertently hit. If they do have an accident, ring the police and we will send a patrol over to check the squirrel. Our officers have state of the art protective body armour and are trained in containing situations like these."

MEN Courting Daily Moan Readers

Reviewing the MEN online pages today we came across a link in their 'from around the web' section to Rant Sports.




The title of the piece in Rants Sports is 'The 30 hottest Female Athlete we can follow on Instagram.' We suspect you can work out for yourselves what you can view there, but to make sure our hypothesis was correct -we followed the link ourselves, purely for research -honest Mrs Scratchy.

We believe this is the MEN's latest attempt to lull Daily Moan readers back to their web pages after they lost so many during the Face Book fiasco.

Not wishing to be outdone by our neighbourly rag and in the hope of lulling some Daily Moan readers ourselves, here is the link.  However be warned -we would strongly recommened that any hormonally unbalanced teenage boys wishing to view these pictures have their parent present.

http://www.rantsports.com/clubhouse/2013/02/11/the-30-hottest-female-athletes-we-can-follow-on-instagram/?utm_source=OB&utm_medium=CPC

Travel : Model Village Roundup

As we start to plan our camping and caravanning holidays for the summer, why not increase the fun by taking in some of the UK's finest attractions - Model Villages?

Dorset

Wimborne Minster is the home to a substantial model village, which is itself an exact replica of the village itself.  One omission is that in the corner of the model village where the model village should be located, there is just a blank space. 





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Wimborne is widely rumoured to be the location for the 'Model Village Scene' in the 2007 cop thriller 'Hot Fuzz'. Alas this is not so. The Model Village involved was built for the film, although Wimborne's village was the inspiration. Also features a cafe and a giant chessboard.

Devon

 

Once you've visited the Model Village at Babbacombe,  near Paignton you will never forget it.  Easily the largest model village in the UK - you could build a small human village on the space it occupies.  In terms of the Choughworld model village checklist:-

• Waterways: check
• Railways: check
• Moving roadways: check (when they work)
• Small houses: check

If this were not enough, you can also visit the workshops, see a model of Basil Fawlty hitting his butler Miguel frozen forever in time, medieval castles with dragons and visit a 4D cinema (for extra cost).



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Or take a trip down Memory Lane...

Of course Manchester used to have a model village 'Miniland' at Belle Vue.  If you'd like to take a trip down memory lane, go to http://manchesterhistory.net/bellevue/Miniland.html

Cats Vs Dogs Part 2.

HOW TO FEED A CAT A TABLET (and a DOG)!


1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in  left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

 

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.

IT'S OFFICAL, WE ARE RACISTS

In a brilliant peice of finding news where there is none, the MEN has surpassed itself again.

It has today reported that there were 18 race abuse incidents at Man UTC and Man CTY grounds, wait for it, in ALL of the games during the last season.




Forgive us for making some assumptions here but, if during one weekend both teams play -the average attendence will be at about 100,000 supporters. So if this number of incidents occured just in one weekend, that would make 0.018% of the football supporters voicing racist comments/abuse.

Now WE KNOW that we are making a headline out of nothing here, but we can jump to the far-fetched conclusion that everbody in the country is racist based these calculations....or not if you want to use facts.

Dolphin sighted in Ship Canal

Astonished office workers in Salford Quays couldn't believe their eyes this afternoon when their sunny waterside lunch break was enlivened by the sight of a dolphin leaping free of the water. Onlookers gazed open mouthed as they saw a silver grey creature race through the water, and occasionally leap out and crash back down.



 
 A Salford dolphin

Owen Gadlfy who works nearby told the MEV that onlookers were crowding round to get a better look. "It responded to the whistles someone was making, and then, when a phone started clicking that a message had been received, it started walking on its tail."

Some people started throwing bits of their sandwiches into the water, but clearly didn't seem aware that as water dwelling mammals, bread is not a top favourite snack item. "The tuna definitely went down well, but the cheese and pickle was simply snubbed. And don't get me started on the slices of pizza it turned its' nose up at" said Owen.

Pensioner Edith Poker told our reporter that she was concerned for the safety of the local children who will soon return to these same waters to swim there on the first warm day. "What if it bites the leg off someone? I couldn't bear to think of it and don't think we should take any chances. They should fetch a harpoon."

United Utilities have just announced a massive clean up of the water in the area, and it is hoped that this may encourage further dolphins to venture up the canal. Experts we contacted are predicting a bonanza in sales of dolphin related memorabilia and river boat tours. We would like readers to keep their eyes peeled while they are out and about in the Quays and report any sightings to us. If you have any suggestions for a name for our new resident, please mail us.

Blatent Scaremongering

In yet another blatent piece of scaremongering in an effort to 'whip up' a storm from its readers, the regional rag today, finally, reported on the forthcoming proposals for 'privatising' part of the parole services in the UK.





Whilst some of us who keep up to date with national news and politics were aware of this some time ago, the rag has filled some of its spare space today with a report on how it would affect Greater Manchester.

Whilst we understand the proposal is for private sector service groups to monitor and rehabilitate low-risk prisoners on parole, the MEN has reported the naional association of Probabtion Officers warning that sex offenders could also be 'outsourced.'

However in a remarkable spin on this, the MEN has reported how repeat sex offenders could be monitored by the private service sector.

So, storm in a tea cup whipped up to generate a sensationalist headline, you decide.