With Government plans to force dog owners to have their pets microchipped by 2016, there was relief by some pedestrians that the current 'menace' of dog shite on pavements could finally come to an end.
We understand that, under the current proposals dogs will be microchipped and a sample of their DNA will be taken at the same time. The DNA 'fingerprint' will then be held in database, operated by the giant outsourcing company Crapita.
Under the proposals local councils will be able to send samples of the offending canine shite to Crapita. Crapita will then identify the owners allowing the Councils to fine and charge for the cost of clearing up their pets mess.
Said one pedestrian "this will be brilliant, finally an end could be in shite for this growing menace."
A Poopport child-minder agreed saying "Dog poop is a health hazard and I have to wash my little charges hands after playing in the local council park. With these proposals I will no longer have to wash their hands as often, reducing the amount of soap I have to buy. This will help my non-VAT registered company become even more profitable and allow me to take an overseas holiday at last."
A local Council dog warden, who is due to be made redundant soon, said "I couldn't care less anymore, the gits have replaced me with people on a back-to-work scheme operated by ATOSSERS."
A representative from Crapita, who definitly does not exist, said "Dog shite is becoming an growth area for our company. Imagine the profits we can screw from the Councils just for analysing dog shite, we are in the money again on this one and I will keep getting my bonuses"
However, a sobering warning was issued by the Condemned Government "The current proposals only affect dogs; next we are after cats -who by leaving their shite in borders make gardeners lives a misery, so be warned - we going after your pussies next."
Looks like horse poo to me. Not that I find it a problem but I do like my shite right.
ReplyDeleteI think you're judging Scratchy too harshly.
DeleteAs a rival publication to MEN, we have to ensure that our stories are full of inaccuracies, headlines that don't reflect the story and, of course, stories harvested from Twitter.
This story is in line with the great traditions of this journal.
Actually this isn't a pile of horse poo. I added an incorrect picture into the report to solicit exactly this sort of comment. If you want to know the animal that depositted this load, you will need to think bigger.
DeleteScatchy, did your Mother never tell you not to play with poo? Now forget all about it, or maybe you can't, maybe you have a sandpit in your garden and photoshop on your PC....
ReplyDeleteScatchy?
ReplyDeleteHello, no I learnt the hard way, put some in my mouth as a toddler and ended up in hospital for a week. Once eaten, never forgotten.
DeleteTo answer my early puzzle, this is elephant poop which co-incidently is very good for the garden and used to be on sale at Chester Zoo.
Hello Scratchy, in reply; hence my mentioning the word 'forgot'. However, I feel my crappy play on words was not lost on you as you seem rather a clever chap (I could have said 'crap' there but that would be rude as we have only just met and so a cheap laugh, or maybe just not funny) I would like to add that I detest zoos, don't you think they are cruel unless used to help out a dying species?
ReplyDeleteNope, not clever -just average, lots of people are smarter than me, no shame in that.
DeleteI agree with your sentiment. What, may I ask, is your opinion on zoo-kept animals for the sake of peoples' amusement?
ReplyDeleteIn the old days I could understand zoos existing for the enlightenment and education of people. However with the advancement of technology, especially the internet and TV documentaries, their future is harder to justify.
ReplyDeleteIf there are endangered species, which are likely to die out without human intervention, then I think we have a duty to breed these animals, but with the ultimate aim of re-populating their natural habitat and releasing animals as soon as possible.
With respect to holding animals in zoos which are not endangered, the case is less clear cut. If animals are to be held their welfare must be of paramount performance, putting their needs before the needs of visitors. If this can be successfully achieved, then I have no problems with it. If an animals natural needs mean that it would suffer from being 'caged' then that shouldn't happen.
I think most of the species would be OK without human intervention.
DeleteWe just need to stop killing so many of them. And turning where ever they live into cities, palm oil plantations or beef pasture.
So they're probably all going to die.
Your reply has made me think again. I may have been basing my opinion of zoos that existed in the 70's. I remember going on a school trip to a zoo, I can't remember the name, and I remember some of the animals caged up and feeling so sad for them. Don't get me started on caged birds! I guess this is my bug bear. Nah, forget that 'think again' script earlier; I just hate zoos.
ReplyDeleteAnd where do you stand on nature reserves? should nature be kept in reserve?
DeleteI happen to live near to some nature reserves and believe them to be just that; a place reserved for nature to thrive.
ReplyDeletebut should they just be held in reserves, not allowed to escape into the wider surrounding areas?
DeleteI think you are trying to wind me up, shame on you.
ReplyDeleteNot at all, I think we should all make 'havens' for nature to survive and flourish. We can all do our bit. For example, in our gardens we can help nature by planting more bushes and trees if possible.
DeleteOne of the sights I enjoy in autumn is the spiders webs on bush branches, the light shining through the dew encrusted webs are beautiful, the way the light reflects off the strands.
I loathe seeing gardens flagged or predominantly stone chippings.
I'm in bits here Scratchy, what a lovely mind you have. All that stuff about webs and dew has given me the strength to get up from my pit and see what I can discover for myself, I may even share my findings, should I find any. There is a good chance however that I might make a pot of coffee, return to said pit, and think about getting the power wash on the flags covering my back garden.
ReplyDeleteOn a more serious note I have left a corner of my garden to become overgrown for the hedgehogs and I also feed the birds every day.