Wednesday 13 March 2013

The Pope: No Overall Decision

Black Smoke continued to pour out of the Sistine Chapel today, as cardinals failed to come to an overall agreement on who should be the next Duce of the Roman Catholic Church.

Front runner Keira Knightly has failed to achieve the two thirds majority required to be elected as the worlds first confirmed female pope.

Female Catholic Ann Widdecombe gushed "It would be a great break with tradition to have a female Pope, and a step on the way to having a female Catholic Pope."

Ms Knightley's front running appeal has surprised more traditional Celebrity candidates.  Barry Chuckle, part of the Chuckle Brothers' joint candidacy commented:-  "What's she got that we haven't?  As far as I'm aware she's never said 'To me, to you' or travelled to gigs in a camper van.  She's not even from Rotherham."

Professor Brian Cox was unavailable for comment on this, but covered his disappointment up by claiming that Manchester would become a world centre for graphenes, which are a modern form of pencil.
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22 comments:

  1. scratching my head13 March 2013 at 13:29

    Hasn't there been a female pope

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    Replies
    1. Dan Brown13 March 2013 at 14:09

      Of course there has - Mary Magdalene was the first, and of course there was the legendary Pope Joan, but you can't believe all the nonsense that's passed down to us... Oh hang on....

      Delete
  2. Cardinal Keith O'Brian13 March 2013 at 14:34

    I'd like to dispute these polls. Keira Knightly has 2 votes, while the combination of Johnny Depp, Professor Brian Cox and the Chuckle Brothers have 3 votes between them.

    So if one of the losers were to form a coalition with Knightly, she'd have the 2/3 majority needed.

    However since both Johnny Depp, Professor Brian Cox and the Chuckle Brothers are married (not to each other, except the Chuckle Brothers), they're not allowed to be Pope anway.

    So whatever you vote Knightly will win.

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  3. scratching my head13 March 2013 at 17:01

    Have they got that chip pan fire under control yet?

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    Replies
    1. Unknown13 March 2013 at 17:03

      No. They're just staring at that picture of Keira Knightly and regretting their choice of vocation while the fire burns on.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous13 March 2013 at 18:32

      Phworr, getting more like the Daily Mail every day.

      Delete
    3. Unknown13 March 2013 at 19:22

      I just need to explain to mrs Chough why I'm googling Rihanna in a bikini.

      Delete
    4. Unknown13 March 2013 at 21:41

      Still googling. I'm down to a short list of about 90 pictures. It takes a lot of research to write showbiz articles.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous13 March 2013 at 22:33

      Busted dear

      And you can stop staring at the ladies on masterchef too

      mrs chough

      Delete
    6. scratching my head14 March 2013 at 09:38

      Interestingly whenever I type in 'pictures of' on Google, the suggestions 'bikinis' always comes up...I think I will need to had a word with my son !

      Delete
    7. Unknown14 March 2013 at 09:41

      I get:-

      Skin Cancer
      Santa
      Flowers
      The Moon

      Delete
    8. scratching my head14 March 2013 at 10:28

      At least it is not all medical conditions

      Delete
  4. Infirmus Cygnus13 March 2013 at 20:01

    STOP PRESS:

    Argentinian Pensioner elected Pope. Bet that's going to cause some issues for Falklanders of the non-Protestant persuasion.

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    Replies
    1. Unknown13 March 2013 at 20:08

      I never thought to include a Roman Catholic Cardinal in the Choughworld poll.

      Delete
    2. scratching my head13 March 2013 at 20:38

      Which far right extremist group has he belonged to and does he make the best chips?

      Delete
    3. Unknown14 March 2013 at 12:18

      Not sure about the chips (or "papas fritas" as he'd call them), but he does appear to have links the the Military Junta in Argentina. At least the last Pope was a reluctant member of the Hitler Youth.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous14 March 2013 at 14:17

      Given his statements last year, will there be a holy crusade taking place in the Falklands soon?

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    5. Unknown14 March 2013 at 14:32

      Hope so. It would save the taxpayers a fortune if we had to give them up.

      Delete
    6. Anonymous14 March 2013 at 15:19

      Since we have few naval ships any more, we will probably have to hire them from the French - mind you that may stop them selling exocet missiles to the Argies or charge us one hell of an insurance premium

      Delete
  5. Fluffsec14 March 2013 at 19:40

    Unfortunately the Catholic Church has missed a great opportunity by not following Chough’s quite excellent idea of having the dual Popes Barry and Paul Chuckle. This would give them the opportunity of healing the Great Schism and finally reunite the Western and Orthodox churches, with Barry taking charge of the Latin church in Rome and giving Paul the slightly trickier job of re-establishing the church in Constantinople.

    Ad Me Ad Vos

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown14 March 2013 at 19:55

      Ad mihi, ad tibi (or vobis) surely?

      Delete
    2. David Wilton14 March 2013 at 20:13

      Sod off back to Italy you EU sympathisers

      Delete

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