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| Sausages - deadlier than chip pans |
Our science correspondant Professor Brian Cox explained it this way. "Imagine your mouth is the entrance to our Solar System, and that rather than being a big empty globe, it is a funnel of gravity. In this case your bowels are the sun. Sausages are gamma rays from another galaxy, spewed out by a black hole. They will kill you stone dead."
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| Morrissey, in his heyday. |
"Yes they will," said our food correspondent Morrissey (real name Steven Patrick Morrissey). "It just goes to show that meat isn't just murder, it's suicide. And it damn well serves you right."
Following a freedom of information request, Choughworld has established that chip pan fires cause an astounding 50 deaths per year, whereas sausages kill an equally amazing 43 people per day.
It beggars belief that people still deep fry sausages in chip pans.
What difference does it make?
ReplyDeleteI nearly put that in the article...
DeleteI was also going to make a disgusting joke about Nigel Falange, the nanny state, Europe and hammering sausages into his bowels if he wants to, but my innate taste and decency got the better of me. All the components are there so feel free to put it together as you wish.
Is the title to this piece and comment or an instruction?
DeleteIt's an exercise in punctuation. See how many meanings you can get out of it my inserting commas.
DeleteWhere do vegetarian sausages fit into all this? If you deep fry these, will that kill you quicker?
ReplyDeleteAlso, has anyone looked into the impact on lifespan of travelling to shops to purchase food?
Having now read the report in the MEN, it states that people who ate the most processed meat also had the poorest diet with people eating fewer vegetables and were smokers.
ReplyDeleteSo can we conclude that you do not need to eat vegetables and can smoke as much as you like, as long as you do not eat much processed meat - you will live longer?
I don't know. Brian Cox has stopped replying to my texts.
DeleteHave you offended him or is he just tired after so many 'appearances' on this blog recently?
DeleteHe's resting in preparation for his weekly column 'Ask Professor Brian Cox'.
Deletep.s. the live traffic feed is really puzzling, sometimes I am in Sale and sometimes I am in Moanchester.
DeleteI am starting to wonder if the good Prof Cox is undertaking a quantum experiment on us.
Professor Derrick Acora at UMIST has just poo-pooed this report. On their website he has rebuffed the findings as the science was flawed. They did not take into account the occupations of the subjects, or the potential impact of genetic history influencing cardio-vascular disease.
DeleteIf you eat lots of ground offal, then I'd suggest your poo-poos are a health hazard in themselves.
DeleteThat's why I only eat airborne offal - minced sparrows and shredded thrushes. It's a healthy life for me.
DeleteDo you make them by thrashing a tennis racket around?
DeleteWhy have a cat and miaow yourself?
DeleteI am quite partial to boar sausages from a local specialist butcher, are these ok?
ReplyDeleteI am a bit concerned that they are affecting me as my wife says I am becoming a complete boar.
People assume they are, just as Gourmet Burger Kitchen is somehow healthier than McDonalds and Pizza Express than Pizza Hut.
DeleteMorrissey and I don't hold that view.
Does the esteemed Prof hold the same view, or is he still ignoring your texts?
DeleteAs a Professor it would be unprofessional of me to endorse one fast food joint over another.
DeleteAnd I think Chough is being a little over-sensitive. I've simply been making a mini Hadron collider with the kids. I was using the microwave antenna of my phone to accelerate the protons. When I put it all back together I'd missed 6 calls and several texts.
As any fule kno u need the magnatron from a microwave for a rudimentary particle acelerator, Brian Cox you are a fraud (and a weedy wimp who kno less than Fotherington-Thomas)
DeleteWell as the 'cock' of the science world, I often get people trying to 'take me down'...
DeleteI was explaining to Chough why I hadn't returned his text, not how to build a domestic Hadron collider. Of course there are a lot more domestic appliances involved.
But tell me this, if you don't use the antenna out of the phone to focus the microwaves onto the pasta maker, how do you get enough to even fill an eggcup?
being a bit of a novice on the subject, how do you use photons from a microwave to generate protons to accelerate, utilizing only kitchen appliances and a hornby train set?
DeleteWe'll save this question for the new 'Ask Professor Brian Cox' column.
DeleteCan't wait, which day of the week is it going to be on, I can ignore the site until then.
DeleteHey Prof, do you think Chough is getting a bit obsessed with you?
ReplyDeleteIt happens all the time. I'm used to it.
DeleteIt cannot be nice having a stalker, although he tends to have phases. He 'stalked' Bill Oddie for a while and occasionally Morrissey - but I think they took out restraining orders, Morrissey's must have just expired.
DeleteAlthough it does make me wonder what the common denominator is, apart from Chough himself.
The common denominator is that they all write articles, or otherwise contribute to the blog.
DeleteAs you can see from the number of posts, Prof Brian Cox is an enthusiastic contributor, while Bill Oddie mostly tweets (which is appropriate).
I do find Morrissey a little temperamental, and may replace him with Peter Hook.
Actually, I'm starting to smell a rat. The Brian Cox on Twitter claims to be in Africa, whereas Choughworld's Brian Cox claimed to be at home, making a Hadron Collider with his kids.
DeleteI might stop following the Twitter one as he's clearly a fake.
I am now very confused. Today I broke a 7 year abstinence and bought the Guardian, however in a moment of madness I also bought the Daily Mail. Now I have no idea what to think. I do not know whether to flee the country or shave my head
ReplyDeleteI think both papers embody self-loathing. So now you can self-loathe in the conventional way, and also cross self-loathe as the Guardian reader in you despises the Daily Moaner, as well as hating himself. And vice versa.
DeleteWhilst Guardian readers may be a self-loathing bunch, Daily Mail readers just hate everything and everybody -perhaps they could join forces and hate the common enemy The Daily Mirror
DeleteI am now confused by the title. Is it:
ReplyDeleteEat Sh*t, and Die - it's a warning about intensive farming methods and food safety linked the inclusion of chemicals and sub-standard ingredients.
Eat Sh*t and Die - another warning, this time about lethal faecal matter. Dogs again I suppose.
Eat Sh*t and Die - it's an offensive comment.
Eat, Sh*t, and die - it's an indictment of contemporary Moanchester life.