The process will start at 9:00 with prayers extolling the virtues of chips, followed by each Cardinal making representations on why they should be crowned Pope, or as we call it - the best chippie in the Vatican City.
Following the debate, a vote will take place to select a small number of Cardinals who will then have to prove their chip cooking abilities with a practical exam. The final winner will be selected following a blind taste test by the Swiss Guards, using a modified system of proportional representation.
At stake is the rights to manage and operate the Vaticans large number of authentic Italian chippies, selling this popular Italian staple to the millions of visitors to St Peters Square every year.
Said one cardinal before entering the closed discussions 'We all know who makes the best chips but we have to spend hours, if not days, debating this to justify our belief that whoever we choose has the backing of all other Cardinals.'
Chief Vatican Fire Officer Alfonso deWonga expressed concern that a large number of older folk all trying to cook chips in an enclosed space could result in disaster. He said "We will be watching the chimney closely for any sign of misshap. Normally chip pan fires produce black smoke, but the special technology fitted to the chimney converts black smoke to white smoke and viceaversa. So we will be looking for white smoke, which will indicate a chip pan fire has started."
Which Cardinal do you think should be voted best chippie maker in the Vatican? Perhaps another member of the Hitler youth will provide continuity; perhaps a Cardinal whose can upholster chairs and is good at covering things up or perhaps even a Cardinal with a history of successfully running childrens clubs?
You decide !
Quite right, we cannot have black smoke signifying success, what next - a black pope
ReplyDeleteNice to see Bill Oddie standing up in the anti-racism fight
DeleteWe're on your side Bill. He always says the same thing over and over again. Now to me, to you, and to everyone that's just boring as well as offensive.
DeleteI would like to know how this chimney technology works? Where is the good Prof when you need him? Oh yes, Cannes
ReplyDeleteDon't believe what you read on Twitter. I'm back at my desk professing like there's no tomorrow.
DeleteA chimney, like everything else in the universe, works through physics.
The black smoke absorbs infra red radiation, which heats it up and causes it to rise, while the white smoke settles around the ground, like mist.
Hope this helps.
Well I only found out becuase of the MEN with the late-breaking news service
DeleteThey probably got me confused with the movie star Brian Cox.
DeleteIf you're not sure, look for the one with Movie Star Looks - he's the professor.
I do want to clarify that I had no intentions of tredding on our supreme overlord's toes with this report on a possible chip pan fire
ReplyDeleteThe question is will the Cardinals get drunk and fall asleep leaving the Cistine Chapel to burn down?
DeleteGiven their average age, they probably will need an afternoon nap. I assumed it was part of the swiss guards duty to tuck them in and extinguish any naked flames
DeleteI thought the Swiss Guards were there to guard the choristers...
DeleteAgain I had assumed that, as Cardinals cannot run as fast as choristers, that the Swiss Guards were there to lock the youngsters in the Vatican so they could not escape.
DeleteI believe when they are 'in public' the choristers have electrodes attached to their privates, which any cardinal can activate should they stray to far or speak to the press.
Interesting idea... But not far fetched enough - keep trying.
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