PM To visit Algeria for talks

The UK Prime Minister, Damian Camerooon, or snuggles as his partner calls him, is to visit Algeria for top level talks, only weeks after the hostage crisis took place. Said one insider "this could not have come at a better time for our PM, with all the problems he has faces at home, he is in desperate need of a short holiday."

We understand that Damain will be talking to the Algerian PM, whose name we could not be troubled to look up, on the roof top of a local bar whilst watching women perform belly dances to entertain the clientele.

One topic that is sure to 'arise' will be how the UK could export its private security business, specifically the UK G5S operations, to boost the security at vital oil installations.

In a statement issued by G5S it claimed "this will be good for the UK operations as since the fiasco at the Olympics, our UK operations have been reporting a downturn in new orders, new orders that we had expected to turn up just didn't and we had to bring forward orders with the armed forces."

The leader of the UK opposition party, Mr Nick 'trust me, we will not raise tuition fees' Clogg claimed it was scanderless. In a statement issued whilst he was asleep and probably doesn't remember saying it, "it is typical of Damian, at a time his adopted country needs him, he swans off for a jolly at the taxpayers expense." He drooled further "I can only hope that if the rumours about a G5S contract are true, we can supply 'hard to place' disabled people onto this contract so that they can have a nice warm holiday and also so we do not have to provide them anymore benefits."

We sought comments from the BSP party, but they were unintelliagble, probably due to their intoxicated state.

Whilst there has been rumours recently that Damian has been rubbing the civil service up the wrong way (they don't like it up-em), the chief Tea Cosy said "what utter nonsense, Damian and I have a professional working relationship and I hope he enjoys this vacation and never comes back, the stuck up snob".

This news could not have come at a better time for the UK's largest exporter, the armed forces, as recent cut-backs due to a lack of need take effect. Colonel Sub Machine-Gun said "This is exciting news, all our recently demobbed squaddies have been enetering the new missionary work sector and have been taking orders to go to Algeria and see if they can trace, identify and knock-off a potential threat to the UK sovereignty, namely Mr Damian Cameroon, who recently fled the UK."

Unconfirmed reports from this work sector suggest the newly recruitted ex-squaddies have taken the contract for free, some saying "he can run, but he can't hode forever, we will get him."

The question we all face is, now Damian has fled the country, should we increase of UKBA staff numbers to ensure he never comes back? What do you think?