In a ground-breaking report, Choughworld will help you plan for the day that we all know will come sooner rather than later.
Be Prepared
The one thing nobody wants to be doing on that inevitable day is shopping. With a little planning, we should be able to lay in most of the goods we need minimising the search for those essential items.
Alcohol
Champagne can be kept more or less indefinitely in the dark at around 15 degrees C. Don't keep it chilled for long periods as this will spoil the bubbles. If you don't have somewhere suitable, get in touch with choughworld@gmail.com and I'll look after it for you in my cellar, promise.
Fireworks
I'm sure that you shouldn't store fireworks in you cellar, on top of a tool cabinet, so if you're not a complete idiot, then you'll have to buy these on the day. If the sad day occurs in October or November, or close to New Year then you may be lucky, otherwise you'll have to track down a specialist firework store.
Bunting
What would be more appropriate to 'celebrate the life' of the dearly departed than to hold a street party, where you and your neighbours could get together and reminisce. Paperchase in Manchester still has discounted bunting and paper cups from last year's celebration of one more year without the idiot Charles as our ruler. There's also a lot of Olympic tat going for half price (i.e. twice what it's worth).
Clothing
Your clothing should be appropriate, but not flamboyant. Red Molotov sell this t-shirt in many colours, and what more appropriate to wear, when the inevitable comes.
So with a little preparation, we can turn a sad day into a celebration.... Be prepared, it can't be long now.
Don't forget the 'must have' modern item to celebrate -the Chinese Lantern. That way you can be sure that when they come back to earth (unlike yourself) -there is a chance that some poor farm animal could choke on the metal frame.
ReplyDeleteChoughworld is 'for' animals, so we wouldn't advocate that. You can get ones with bamboo frames but they cost a little more but still set fire to haystacks. I think they've had their day. I prefer traditional explosive fireworks.
DeleteYou could always combine the two, have fireworks dangling off Chinese lanterns -but you may end up in A&E or the mortuary if you get it wrong.
DeleteI wonder how many people end up in A&E due to wax from Chinese lanterns dripping into their eyes?
I imagine your Daily Moan alter ego getting very angry about this remote possibility!
DeleteIt may be a remote possibility, but it happened to me one year. I am more careful with them now by letting my children light them instead.
DeleteYes I do post on the Daily Mail. I do enjoy a good rant at their 'commentators' and their Littlejohn opinions -which believe it or not, they post!
Choughworld is for animals, even cats?
ReplyDeleteCats are anti-creatures. They live to destroy life. But we're still slightly 'for' them.
ReplyDeleteI really think we need to decide whether we are 'for' goldfish. personally I think all goldfish should be muzzled, especially those roaming public spaces
DeleteI'd agree with you on Koi Carp, their vicious elder cousins, but I don't think a Goldfish bite would cause much harm.
DeleteThe muzzle isn't to stop them biting, it is to stop them hatching their evil plas and passing them on to other goldfish they may meet which out roaming in packs.
DeleteAnother must have item for the day would be a coffin, preferably one made from recycled wood or cardboard...saves the relatives wasting drinking time having to find one, along with the unnecessary arguements over what you would have liked.
ReplyDeleteI presume you would only 'autorise' recycled wood from Anglosaxon trees and not from foreign trees -you fracking racist
DeleteIt wasn't me
ReplyDeletehttp://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-22067155