Choughworld Arises!

We'll we'd all got bored of making up stories of people stepping in dog muck and reposting news about chip pan fires.  Choughworld wasn't really a rival to the mainstream newspaper, but what it was, was a support community for the lost, the deranged and the bored.


So, build on that community theme, we are re-launching as a google plus community.  There you'll be able to post your thoughts, share bad jokes and generally bitch about Thoughtful.

I'm branding it 'Choughworld - the Community that Cares'.

https://plus.google.com/u/0/communities/103952356082402161350

If you've received an invite but you're too befuddled to understand it contact choughworld@gmail.com and I'll take you through it step by step, like you're my mother phoning up for technical support.

Actually what you need to do is join Google Plus with your gmail account, and then search for the 'Choughworld' community and join it.  Then get your social worker, care assistant and psychiatrist to join too.

Vatican Reveals John Paul II 'miracle'

We can exclusively report that the Vatican have revealed the 'miracle' that has been attributed to John Paul II, paving the way for him to be made a saint.




Whilst some believe the fact that an alledged Nazi youth member became Pope in the first place was a miracle in itself, we can now reveal the true 'miracle' -and it is....that Choughworld is still going.

Yes, you read that right....the Vatican officials believe the fact that we have ridiculed the Pope, people have come and gone...and that we are still in operation is a miracle.

Well, we would like to thank the Vatican for the recognition but fear that we have become a dormant site now.

As always, you decide.

Daily Moan Bemoans PM For Not Shutting It Down

The Daily Moan often criticises others for their low moral standing and harangues the Government of the day to do more to protect children from online threats such as pornography and today is no different.



View Larger Map

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/debate/article-2343486/DAILY-MAIL-COMMENT-The-day-action-protect-children.html

Whilst its intentions may be pure, we do have to ask -is having the right hand side of their homepage loaded with pictures of saucy women in scantily clad outfits suitable for the most popular (is this right? Ed) national title.

Obviously they believe it is, however we are not convinced.

As an aside, we were going to place a nice little picture of a man moaning, but the use of google to find such a thing listed a load of porn sites and not being brave enough to visit any -we decided not to have one instead placing a map identifying their headquarters.

Although this has made us think, should we stop calling it the Daily Moan?

Spoilt for Choice

The Aberdeen Donside by-election takes place on the 20th June and Scottish racists are spoilt for choice.






We have listed the candidates in no particular order, so you make your own minds up who may or may not be the racist parties in this by-election, if indeed there are any racists (closet or otherwise) at all.

Conservatives: Ross Thomson
UKIP: Otto Inglis
Monster Rabid Racist Party: David Wilton
National Front Scotland: Dave MacDonald
Green Party: Rhonda Reekie
Labour: Willie Young
Liberal Democrats: Christine Jardine
Scottish Christian Party: Tom Morrow
Scottish Democratic Alliance: James Trolland
SNP: Mark MacDonald

Who would you vote for?

Two Phrases Rarely Seen in The Same Sentence

In my humble opinion two phrases that I would never have thought of seeing in the same sentence are "The Sun" and "Responsible Journalism."

However they have now! The Sun is trying to defend itself against a libel action brought by that upstanding MP, Andrew Mitchell (he of "Plebgate" fame) by using this as a defence.

http://www.pressgazette.co.uk/sun-outlines-responsible-journalism-defence-against-andrew-mitchells-%C2%A3150k-plebgate-libel-action

Well I thought is was humorous.

Speaking of which, here is another witty story.

http://www.pressgazette.co.uk/content/sun-says-sorry-et

For once I agree with The Sun...and would like to apologise to any aliens (sorry Mrs Wilton) that may be reading this in a galaxy far far away (but probably not far enough away for Mrs Wilton liking)....and if you do decide to visit make sure your visa is in order!

New Words For the Dictionary

The Oxford English Dictionary 2013 edition's release in June will be adding new words and new definitions for such things as Tweet and Twitter, and that got us thinking...do you have any new words that should be considered?





http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2343053/Too-tweets-make-official-word-Oxford-English-Dictionary-Twitter-recognised-time.html

Here is one to start things off:

Exhaustipated - to tired to give a shit

Have fun...

Kids Will be Kids...

So what is the most interesting thing you have ever done with chemical symbols? Have you every found anything witty to do with the periodic table, or was Chemistry just a real bore?





 I have to admit, I was even more boring at school than now, but for a real wheeze, click on the link below....kids, don't you just love em!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2343011/Do-know-periodic-table-Student-gets-hot-h20-posting-list-elements-formed-rude-message-yearbook.html

What Did Private Eye Know ?

Private Eye is well known for its Parodies but also for informing the public what the Establishment, institutions, companies and people would prefer you not to know. However, following the long running Levison Inquiry, questions are now being asked "What did Private Eye know about the Murdoch's private lives?"






Insiders have acknowledged that, following the announcement that 'Ruppies' is divorcing his third wife Wendi, Private Eye may have had insider knowledge of the relationship troubles within the Murdoch's relationship.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2341163/Rupert-Murdoch-files-divorce-wife-14-years-Wendi-Deng.html

It has been some months since Private Eye ran a parody on the troubles within the Murdoch household, with Ruppies unable to resist the urge to 'tweet,' switching back instead to the 'Prince of Sorrows' parodies of Prince Charles awaiting to ascend to the throne.

Did they know the troubles were real? Were any underhand tactics used in discovering there were maritial problems within the Murdoch's relationship, or was it a pure coincidence.

We have no idea, do you know?

Sodding Goldfish Strike Again

They are at it again, but this time they are getting the Chinese into trouble.




As has been asserted before by some of our more paranoid researchers, cats are often blamed for devious behaviour and underhand tactics to gain an 'upper hand' -but the real masters of ingenuity are the goldfish behind them whispering in cat's ears.

Goldfish are so good at throwing people off their scent, some are now starting to suspect whether it is the chinese controlling the cats.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/lost-pet-or-double-agent-meet-freya-the-roving-tabby-of-the-treasury-8650391.html

It's not the Chinese controlling the cat, IT'S THE GOLDFISH....

Bedroom Tax ! What Bedroom?

Leeds City Council residents need not worry about the so-called Bedroom tax, as none of them have spare bedrooms in their council houses!!!




http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2013/may/29/leeds-council-bedroom-tax-solution

In an ingenious symantic move, Leeds City Council have reclassified any spare bedrooms a tenant may have as spare 'non-specific rooms' -thus exempting them from the 'Bedroom tax' and even entitling them to a refund of any 'tax' paid to date.

Brilliant use of the English language, sure to get up the nose of one Mr E.Pickles of Westminster.

South Shields Elect Looney Fringe

Shock news has been received that the Northern town of South Shields have elected a loonie to their local council.





Whilst the closet loonie party, UKIP, is now the official opposition party to this Labour led council following the defection of 3 independent councillors to their wacky cause, the real shocker is that a Conservative was actually elected by the people.

Whilst the towns folk can be forgiven for the UKIP opposition situation, as they elected these people as independents, that cannot be said for their actions which resulted in a TORY being elected.

Said one Geordie, "I know people on that side of the river were a bit loony BUT I would never have thought that anyone there would have voted TORY, for christssake... what next?"

A Tory council member in South Shields, whatever next? SNP annexing Northumberland? Actually that may not be such a bad thing!

Moanchester Evening Views Swearing Competition

Following yesterdays rant by an Anonymous poster, Choughworld is initiating a swearing competition.






Entry is free and no one wins a prize -except the kudos of knowing they beat a whole load of other foul-mouthed bloggers.

Good luck and may the foulest-mouth blogger win.....

Lancashire's Secret Incendiary Weapon

For most of us an Eccles Cake is a nice tea time treat, however reports have been received that they are in fact an 'incendiary' weapon developed during the War of the Roses.






Whilst most incendiary weapons are intended to be used fairly quickly after manufacture, this 'hidden' weapon needed the advent of the Microwave Oven in order to function properly.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2329640/Rise-house-fires-caused-overheating-Eccles-cakes-microwave.html

Speaking after a house fire in Manchester, GMFRS spokesperson Mr Put It-Out said, "Whilst these innocent looking, and may I say rather delicious, cakes have been a tea time treat for many generations -it now appears they are infact an an early form of incendiary device developed during the War of the Roses. However, as was typical at the time, they never developed the associated ignition device -well today we have it, the microwave."

So beware Eccles Cake eaters of the world, this could replace chip pan fires as the biggest source of domestic ignition points.

Is a MEN Commentator Inciting Racists Crimes?

Following the murder of Lee Rigby this week, is serial MEN Commentator Mrs David Wilton using its pages to organise or incite revenge racist attacks this weekend?





On a story regarding the returning First Battalion, Duke of Lancaster’s Regiment, Mrs Thoughtful opined that they 'hoped' there would be no revenge attacks because of this attrocity.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/hundreds-turn-out-cheer-brave-4005391

However, we ask, was this simply a ruse in order to call her followers to arms?

UKIP In Historic Split with Facism

Nigel Falange, looking Thoughtful

In a move that shocked his followers evertywhere, UKIP's Caudillo Nigel Falange has denounced fascism.  On a rare visit to Scotland, the shiney buffoon managed to alienate a nation by referring to the scotch as 'fascist scum'.

This move will confuse some of his followers, who don't really understand Europe, but do recognise a someone with a robust attitude towards immigration that matches their own.

More unhinged members of his far right movement understood his sentiments.  "This is typical of the fascist left," ranted Thoughtful.  "As soon as someone expresses a robust view on racism, they are denounced by these anti-English racists."

Others are more confused by Falange's move to curry voters in Scotland, which is currently indulging in a referendum to leave the UK, but stay in Europe.  "I don't understand, is it me or wot, but will we have two referendums, what if we want to leave Europe and leave the UK?"

Don't worry UKIP voters, if this all gets too confusing, just remember that Falange shares your views on immigration, and that's all you care about.

Parents Get to Smack their Children in World's Biggest Primark

Parents were giddy today with news that Primark - the City Centre's premier child smacking venue - has been extended.

"This is a dream come true", said a mum of two who wished to remain anonymous. "I have a choice of 3 floors to smack my kids on now.  I can tell them to I'm fucking sick of them in the basement, threaten them on the ground floor, and belt them on the first floor."

Manchester Social Services were unavailable for comment.

Puppy Love?

Whilst we have in the past expressed our love of all animals, with the exception of one persons so-so opinion on cats, is it time to take more direct action, from the comfort of your own sofa that is?






Whilst we normally ridicule our tawdry rival chip wrapper, we have to acknowledge them for bringing to our attention the following story.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/woman-dead-dogs-probe-wants-open-3565958

In summary:

In November last year an address was raided by Police and RSPCA officials who discovered lots of puppies being kept in deplorable conditions, 4 of which were dead, with the others having to be  taken into care.

However, less than 6 months later, that same person has applied to Stockport Council to allow them to breed puppies for sale at that same address. Whilst comments were not allowed on this story on their main webshite, they were allowed on their Facebook site.

A poster on their Facebook site has provided a link to the planning application submission allowing people to express their opinions before Stockport Council decided whether to allow a 'change of use' for that property.

The link is as follows:

http://planning.stockport.gov.uk/PlanningData/AcolNetCGI.gov?ACTION=UNWRAP&RIPNAME=Root.PgeResultDetail&TheSystemkey=117359

If you wish to express your opinion, then please do. After all, despite Mrs Wilton's comments, this is a democracy.

Michelle Obama's Transformation

In recognition of Prince Harry's love of the cult BBC series -Red Dwarf, the US First Lady Michelle Obama underwent a radical facial and hair transformation to look like it's Cat character's alterego 'Dwaine Dibbly.'





Whilst we cannot show you the actual picture, due to copyright issues, we would recommend you view it at the link below and let us know whether you are a 'Dwarfer'

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/home/index.html

New London Airport Announced

London will commence building its new 'Boris' London airport later this year, with the forecast that it will replace Heathrow as the UK's principal hub within 10 years.






Construction contracts are due to be signed today that will pave the way for the construction of the new 'Boris' London Airport.

The Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, has argued since he was first elected that Londoners need a new airport and that it should be built within his realm.

Whilst the Government's unofficial position is that Heathrow should be expanded, Sir Johnson has robustly argued that these expansion plans will mean that constituents in his City State will experience even greater environmental pollution and receive no benefit.

Despite opposition from his own constituents that building the new 'Boris' airport would increase environmental pollution by having the airport located in East London as opposed to out in the countryside, Mr Johnson has commissioned no less that 1024 reports to prove that his detractors are 'narrow minded and relatively poor people, as opposed to those in the west of London who are rich and therefore enlightened.'

In order to make the new London airport commercially viable, Mr Johnson has decreed that Heathrow should be invaded by his serfs and closed for good.

However a MP select committee looking into this conflict of opinion has reported today that the purchase of land in East London would make this new airport prohibitively expensive for tax payers and called on Mr Johnson to be hung, drawn and quartered.

In typical 'Boris' style Mr Johnson laughed at their suggestions and said that the land issue was a red-herring as they would simply use his own ego to land the planes on.

We ask, are you a 'Boris' airport supporter, an expanded Heathrow supporter or a couldn't give a monkeys supporter as long as Boris goes?

Prolific Poster Confuses 'Racist' with 'Nutcase'

Oswald Moseley, he hated trains too.

In a shocking move, prolific poster David Wilton reveals that he's unclear of the difference between a racist and a nutcase.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/legal-bid-put-high-speed-rail-3415777#comments

Presumably those who are both struggle to distinguish which parts of their brains are nutty and a fruitcake and those which are as racist as a UKIP candidate attempting to grab a camera.

So for all of Choughworld's slower witted UKIP supporting readers, here's our 'are you a racist?' quiz.

1) Do you hate other people because of their skin colour, ethnicity or religion?
2) Do you get confused between high speed trains and immigrants?
3) Do you feel the need to post nonsense to a message board that nobody reads?

If you answered 'Yes' to 1) then you are indeed a racist.
If you answered 'Yes' to 2) then you are a nutcase.
If you answered 'Yes' to 1 and 2 then you are a racist nutcase.
If you answered 'Yes' to 3 then Choughworld needs you as a contributor.

North Korea Leader Inspects Latest High Tech Weapons Factory

The North Korean leader, Kim Jong-Un, visited one of his countries most secret weapons development factories and inspected the results of 30 years worth of Govrnment funded research.





http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2013/05/06/kim-jong-un-gardening-_n_3223001.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Whilst most reports indicate that this is a 'farming' institute, researchers at Choughworld see beyond this flimsy charade. Our analysis of these devices highlight some of the progress that North Korea has made in the last 30 years.

Apparently what was on show was:

• a seed hopper - most soldiers still carry backpacks containing vital warmongering equipment, as they have done for the last 500 years. However North Korea has looked into this back straining problem and have developed a wheeled version to save their soliders health. Whilst it may look like a seed hopper, it is in actual fact a small weapons carrier.

• a lawn mower - this is in fact a remote controlled minature tank, whose primary weapon is hidden within its main body. It also has a secondary weapon that is actually a series of rotating blades, used to trim of the heads of any enemies lying in fox holes.

So there you have it, North Korea readies for war and I am readying for a holiday.

GMPCC Deadline Passes Without People Noticing

For those of our readers who do not read the paper edition of our shitty rival, we would like to bring to your attention a job advertisment asking for independent members to hold Greater Manchester's Police and Crime commissioner to account.





There are two roles available; the first is for independent member for the Audit and Accounts Comittee, with the second for an independent member of the Human Resources Governance Panel.

Both roles provide an attendance allowance plus travel expenses.

Those of our readers interested in these roles and who wish to apply .....cannot.

The closing date for applications was yesterday, the same day the advert was placed!

Oh well, we can take some comfort in the knowledge that whoever is appointed to these positions will be suitably qualified and will not already be 'friends' of the esteemed ex-MP.

Government Turns UK Into Theme Park

It has been announced by the government today that the whole of the UK will be turned into a theme park, housing the worlds largest roller coaster called the Austerity Ride.





The previous plans for the roller coaster involved a massive 'three dipper' design that would take patrons on three consecutive 'dips' -an almost unheard of feat. However due to cost overruns and lack of funds, the design has been scaled back to only have two 'dips' -nominally called 'David' and 'George.'

Labour instantly jumped on the Government for cancelling the third dip saying, "Typical of this cut cut cut Government to abandon the third dip just to save a few Pounds. What could have been a world's first, something the UK could have been proud of and rallied behind has been scaled back into another me me me ride."

The theme park is expected to be opened in 2015 to co-incide with the planned increase in the state pension to £144 a week. Is this a coincidence, we do not think so -but what do you think?

Sauce for the Goose....

Boris Johnson has called for a change to the law to stop unions striking when only a fraction of those eligible to vote actually vote in favour of the strike.







http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/boris-johnson-among-conservatives-calling-for-thatcherite-zeal-against-trade-unions-8581675.html?origin=internalSearch


Under current rules, a strike can take place when a majority of those who bothered to vote, vote in favour. So if only 10% of eligible voters bothered to vote and 60% of those were in favour -the strike can proceed.

Boris is proposing a strike should only happen when the majority of those eligiable to vote actually vote in favour. Sounds good.

However, under the same rules, this also applies to how Councillors, Mayors, MP's and Governments are elected. So will he be proposing these rules also be changed? Do not hold your breath!

Return of the Nasty Party

In echoes of the last Repuiblican campaign to enter the White House, Tory Local Councillor John Cherry has accidentally revealed his real feelings about Pakistani children.






http://www.independent.co.uk/i/matrix/the-news-matrix-monday-22-april-2013-8582029.html

In a move that has astounded some, even the Daily Moan commentators didn't support his view about having 'them' in their village.

So, would you have this man in your village?

Are all Women Secret Racists?

Following a women's racist rant on the Tube, we have to ask -are all women racists?





http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/police-search-for-woman-in-racist-youtube-rant-8582662.html


Based on research undertaken by Choughworld, we have come to the following possibilities:

1. Ms David Wilton has been on a trip to London,

2. These are two definitve events that prove all women are racists.

Based on research undertaken into our research team, we have decided to ignore them from now on, much as we do with Ms Wilton.

Insurance Giants Refuse Villiagers Home Insurance

Five years ago, in the aftermath of major flooding, the UK Insurance market threatened to remove cover from homes at 'significant' risk of future flooding. However, following the last Government's intervention, the major insurers agreed not to halt offering cover -merely to put their prices up significantly.

Five years have passed and this agreement is due to expire later this year, probably in August, on a Monday. The current Government are trying to having meaniful discussions with the major insuers to extend the scheme, but insiders report talks have not progressed well.

In a show of force, the major insurer's have refused to offer home insurance to the Grade II listed village Bourton-on-the-Water.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-22240142


No villagers wished to comment on this development, however mega insurer AXAPruLLoyds issued the following statement, "Contrary to what has been reported, we have not refused to provide home insurance to Bourton-on-the-Water residents. Despite the proximitry of the river to houses, the lack of flood defences and the yearly flooding that takes place, we are happy to charge residents £1,000,000 per resident per year. What we are not prepared to do is offer home insurance to the bloody model village in your picture."

So there you have it, are the insurance markets guilty of sizism? Is the fact that a building is a minature representation of a real building reason enough for them to refuse to provide home insurance cover?

Hack Blogger Fails to get New Angle on Thatcher Funeral

Thatcher and close pal Savile

In a confession that shocked nobody, hack blogger Mr Chough today admitted that he couldn't think of a new angle on the Thatcher Funeral.

"I'm flummoxed," he admitted.  "I've been thinking all day for a new angle on this happy day, and I just can't come up with anything original."

"I tried to do something on how it's a bit odd for a devout Methodist to have a state funeral in a Cathedral, but the story went off in so many directions I lost it."

"I was also going to comment on how she could now join her pals mass-murdering dictator Augusto Pinochet, and serial paedophile and rapist Jimmy Savile, but it's been done before."

"As I was coming home, I speculated that the strong winds might be a cataclysmic battle between the forces of good and evil as they fought for the other side to take her soul, but that's all too similar to the story I wrote on the day she died."

"I even considered a serious article about how many of the foundation stones of 'broken Britain' were laid in her reign, but Ken Livingstone expressed that perfectly well without my help."

"So all I can do is muse that while for many years we burned effigies of Thatcher, some lucky sod at Mortlake Crematorium got to burn the real thing."

David Wilton Exposed At Last

It is true, David Wilton aka Mindful & Thoughful, has finally been unmasked.

Whereas his views have been obvious to everyone who isn't mentally challenged, he has always hidden his true identity by claiming to be a man, a women and even performing a poor imitation of a slug.




However following a series of Tweets, his identity has been exposed.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/muslims-are-evil-lets-kill-them-all-fox-news-guest-erik-rush-provokes-furious-reaction-with-boston-bombing-twitter-rants-8575176.html

What has surprised some people -he is not even British but American!

Airbus Chiefs Acknowledge Size does Matter After All

Whilst women have often denied it to save their partners embarrassment, Airbus has finally concluded that size does matter after all.





In a move that is likely to cause widespread embarrissment amongst flyers, Airbus has confirmed it will be offering Airlines the option of fitting extra-wide seats to the A320, so that the Airlines in turn can charge fatty passengers more.

Sometimes referred to as 'McPassengers', Airlines are receiving increasing numbers of complaints from customers of  'rollover' -where an oversized passenger's body invades someone elses seating space.

Airbus claim they can help alleviate this problem, as well as increase an Airline's profits. Their proposal is to increase the central seat's width by 2 inches, allowing Airlines to charge more for occupying these seats.

You may ask 'where is this extra space coming from?' and you would be right to. The unfortunate answer is -they are reducing the width of both the aisle and window seats by 1 inch, making them harder to fit into.

Airlines have welcomed the opporutnity to make more money from fat passengers, but have yet to confirm whether they will be reducing the charge for the others seats that have reduced in size. We would suggest not holding your breath for an answer.

Campaign groups have condemmed the move saying it would cause significant embarrissment for anyone occupying the extra wide seats; they fear that the ancient Celtic anti-fat chant "who ate all the pies..." would be replaced by "whose taking all the space...."

For the full story, click on the link below:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/mcpassengers-to-be-offered-extrawide-seats-8570478.html?origin=internalSearch

M.E.V. leads the way in nominations for Regional Fantasy Blog Awards

M.E.V has received a total of 7 nominations in this years Regional Fantasy Blog Awards, beating it's crappy rival the M.E.N who only have 5.





http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/manchester-evening-news-leads-way-2587723#comments


The M.E.V has received the following nominations:

        Ruthless Tyrantical Overlord Category - R.Chough

        Fantasy and Parody Category - Infirmus Cygnus

        Underworld Investigate Reporting Category - Ivor Rash(deceased) via R.Chough

        Animal Rights Category - Fluffsec

        Stalker of the year Category - Suwong

        Newest Contributor Category - Mancmanomyst

        Worst Grammatical Article Category - Scratching My Head


The awards ceremony this year will be in Never Never Believe It Land and the nominations will be judged by ex-M.E.V contributor Em Bembooshkin to ensure impartiality.

So who will you vote for M.E.V or M.E.N. ?

Nothing on TV Again

Moanchester Freeview viewers expressed their outrage this week that there was nothing on TV to watch, with one pensioner nearly buying a new TV.




http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/millions-greater-manchester-north-west-2589428#comments

The testing of the new 4G signal bands resulted in Freeview customers loosing their TV signal and being forced to re-tune their TV's, just in case there was anything on TV to watch.

Said Dr. Intereference Pattern for VodaTaxSteal, "We have paid a lot of money for our 4G licence and plan to make oodles of money. If that means people can no longer watch their favourite soap opera on Freeview...tough."

The initial Government position on the interference problem was to suggest that any taxpayers affected would have to go out and purchase their own filter to overcome the issue. However, following a backlash by consumer rights groups, the Mobile Phone Operators have set up a £180 million fund to overcome this 'unlikely' problem that will only afffect a 'few' households.

So if you were affected by this weeks test of the 4G network rollout, Choughworld suggests that you ask the Mobile Phone Operators for a free filter before the 4G signal is turned on and you loose your TV reception for good.

The link to their webshite to is

https://at800.tv/find-out-more/the-solution/

Good luck.

England to Follow Korean Example

Following the untimely demise of the UK's 'favourite' Prime Minister, Mrs M.Thatcher, the North of England is pressing ahead with its plan to become an independant nation from the South, following Koreas example in the 1950's.





Bolstered by sales of 'Ding dong the witch is dead' the North of England City Councillors have formally approached the United Nations with a proposal to split England into 2, North England and South England.

Whilst the dividing line has yet to be agreed, it has been proposed by Manchester's City State Overlord, Mrs Patrica 'the stripper' Karney, to include any area not in the South East of England.

Under current proposals every part of England except the South East would become a new nation 'North England' despite some counties like Cornwall and Devon geographically being in the South.  Mrs Karney explained this descrepency, "Whilst technically Cornwall and Devon are in the South of England, we share deep cultural roots with this area -we both are being screwed by the Governments Welfare Cuts. So in order to overcome this issue they will become bonafide 'North of England' counties."

The UN has issued a statement, it reads "We can confirm that we have received a proposal asking for the UN to recognise a new country called 'North England.' We will give this proposal serious consideration as we do not want another country to enter into a state of civil war."

We understand however there is one stumbling block to this proposal, Birmingham. The current proposals by Mrs Karney exclude Birmingham being part of  'North England.' Asked about this Mrs Karney replied "Look we do not want Birmingahm, have you heard how they speak down there?"

A unnamed source within the current, but not for long, UK Government said "Well we don't want those Northern oiks anyway, so let them become a seperate nation -but we are not having Birmingham. If those uncouth Northerners want independance -they have to take Birmingham with them."

So there you have it, England will follow Korea's lead and split into 2 nations, one socialist and one capitallist pigs. Which one do you want to be in?

Government Supports GMFRS Campaign to 'Ban the Pann'

Following yet another chip pan fire, the Government has announced it's support for the Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service campaign to 'Ban the Pann.'




GMFRS has repeated it's calls to 'Ban the Pann' following a chip pan fire in Wigan, forcing them to rescue an elderly couple who not only damaged their property but also needed hospital treatment.

http://www.manchesterfire.gov.uk/updates/incidents/10apr2013_couple_escape_chip_pan_blaze.aspx

Ian Duncan Smith was thought to have dreamt, "We fully support GMFRS's campaign to 'Ban the Pann' which is why we will be making further cuts to Welfare State Payments such that people will no longer be able to afford the food to cook. Unfortuneatly serial Blogger P.Pann will make a meal out of this and so we shall seek legal powers to 'Ban the Pann' from Blogging about it." before he fell asleep (see above) -bless.

With the Government announcement Twatter burst into life flooding the 'unreality space' with twits such as 'Mindful Thoughts' voicing their agreement with Ian Duncan Smith. David Wilton joined in the debate twittering "It is about time this Government took action against P.Pann -I cannot leave any comments on the MEN webshite without being challenged by #him"

So is Ian Duncan Smith right, should the nation also support GMFRS's campaign to 'Ban the Pann?'

Increased Zombie Activity in Hurpurhey

Emergency services in the North Manchester leafy Suburb of Harpurhey have reported increased zombie activity.  "Zombie attacks are up by 150% since Monday", said Chief Constable Peter Fahy.

Occultists have speculated that there is some disturbance in Hell, which is causing the dead to escape and walk the earth.

Choughworld's damnation correspondent captured a rare interview with medieval celebrity sinner Simon De Montfort. "I have suffered for centuries in the 7th circle of Hell," he moaned. "But enough is enough.  I may have murdered my cousin, and been cursed by God but I will not put up with that woman one moment longer."

According to Zombie movies, "When hell is full, the dead shall walk the earth".  However it appears that some other event has caused them to leave their eternal torment to feast on the flesh of the living.



View Larger Map

Have you been attacked by the undead, or have you fled Hell for a better life on the surface?  Comment NOW!

Shock Proposal to Privatise Hell

In a move that shocked Heaven and Earth alike, and which was weirdly predicted on Saturday by Choughworld, Hell has been subjected to a hostile takeover.  Analysts predict huge redundancies amongst minor demons as damnation services are put out to tender.  G4S are widely tipped to secure several of these contracts.

A spokesman for the newly formed British Hell announced "For too long, the damned have been an under-used resource, for whom eternally punishment in the pits of hell is ultimately a lifestyle choice.  Under BH's new Chairman Baroness Thatcher, these scroungers will be rounded up and forced to pay for their upkeep.  We will also recover the running costs of the enterprise from the descendents of the damned."

This move was greeted with support from the current cabinet. "Why didn't we think of that?" they mused.

MEN Business Update

In another Choughworld exclusive, MEN Stakeholders were in shock when the latest publication figures were released by the Audit Bureau of Circulations (ABC) for the period Jul - Dec 2012.




In a follow up investigation to Choughworld's original story of decreasing circulation rates of the MEN ( http://choughworld.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/we-are-catching-up.html ) we have today obtained freely available figures for the last half yearly figures.

We had reported that the 'paid for' circulation had previously dropped from an average of 57,000 daily copies to a new low of 52,696. Today we unearth that even that new low has been beaten, it is now down to an average daily circulation of 49,919.

Whilst in 2010 the average total circulation ('paid for' and 'free') was over 90,000, by last December it had also dropped to a new low of only 74,702, a nearly 25% drop.

The full ABC report can be found at:

http://www.abc.org.uk/Search-Results/?type=all&SearchInput=manchester+evening+news&DisplayAll=

We therefore question, will the MEN be able to recover to it's heyday, or as more people read it for free on their website, is it in terminal decline?

Crime Level Increases on Saturdays

We can exlusively reveal that crime levels dramatically increased yesterday (Saturday 6th April 2013) and that level of crime will be repeated every Saturday from now on.





This Saturday the cost of a copy of the downmarket regional newspaper, the MEN, increased from 50p to 70p, a whopping 40%!

The dire MEN tried to justify the price increase by including a tv guide for the week, along with an expanded weekend guide plus 1 extra cryptic crossword for crossword fans, oh and a sports wraparound for the Grand National.

Said one exasperated purchaser, Mr P.Pann, "This is daylight robbery, it is criminal! They think they can add a few extra pages and get away with charging 20p more? Well stuff that I will not be buying it anymore."

Said another, Mrs P.Pann, "This paper used to be respectiable and provided good value for money, a worthwhile investment but now -I would not even use it to collect my vegetable peelings."

So there you have it, a crime is taking place whenever a Saturday copy of the MEN is sold. Will this be their downfall?

Don't Fear the Reaper : Facing up to the Inevitable

"Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble." said Job, in a cheerier moment.  While we all know that our spell on earth will one day end, leading to oblivion, paradise or eternal suffering (according to your beliefs) it's sometimes hard to face up to this inevitable, and plan for it.

In a ground-breaking report, Choughworld will help you plan for the day that we all know will come sooner rather than later.

Be Prepared

The one thing nobody wants to be doing on that inevitable day is shopping.  With a little planning, we should be able to lay in most of the goods we need minimising the search for those essential items.

Alcohol

Champagne can be kept more or less indefinitely in the dark at around 15 degrees C.  Don't keep it chilled for long periods as this will spoil the bubbles.  If you don't have somewhere suitable, get in touch with choughworld@gmail.com and I'll look after it for you in my cellar, promise.

Fireworks

I'm sure that you shouldn't store fireworks in you cellar, on top of a tool cabinet, so if you're not a complete idiot, then you'll have to buy these on the day.  If the sad day occurs in October or November, or close to New Year then you may be lucky, otherwise you'll have to track down a specialist firework store.

Bunting

What would be more appropriate to 'celebrate the life' of the dearly departed than to hold a street party, where you and your neighbours could get together and reminisce.  Paperchase in Manchester still has discounted bunting and paper cups from last year's celebration of one more year without the idiot Charles as our ruler.  There's also a lot of Olympic tat going for half price (i.e. twice what it's worth).

Clothing

Your clothing should be appropriate, but not flamboyant.  Red Molotov sell this t-shirt in many colours, and what more appropriate to wear, when the inevitable comes.

So with a little preparation, we can turn a sad day into a celebration....  Be prepared, it can't be long now.

MEN Teasing Rascists

Today, following racist rants over the weekend by MEN serial contributor David Wilton, the MEN struck back by having two stories about Islam...and not allowing any comments.





Said David Wilton, "It is totally irresponsible of the MEN to increase my blood pressure by showing Islam in a good light yet not allowing me to vent my anger. This has left my blood boiling all day and has put me at risk of a heart attack. How is that good for this country."

Said rabid anti-David Wilton commentator, Paul Pann, "This is totally unfair, I have not had my daily dose of David Wilton baiting. I pay for this tawdry rag and expect in return some place where she/he and I can have a good old fashioned slanging match. Jonathan Lambert highlighted his fame within Choughworld, but he couldn't even be bothered to slag us off!"

So, is the MEN getting shittier by the day or are our standards set to high?

By Popular Demand: Ask Brian Cox

Brian Cox, relating a fishing anecdote

We've all heard him play keyboards on the Labour Party theme tune of 1997, and many of us have watched his soppy yet compelling science shows on the TV.  Some have even read his science fiction books, about relativity and physics.

But few have had the chance to question the reclusive boffin.  Choughworld is proud to announce that the publicity shy uber-nerd has agreed to answer 5 carefully selected questions.


CW: Our readers have speculated on the size of your intellect.  How big is it really?
BC: "I don't think anyone has a grasp of that other than to say: it's big."

CW: David Wilton believes that the Large Hadron Collider will destroy the world, by letting immigrants in from other dimensions, like in Torchwood.
BC:  "Anyone who thinks the LHC will destroy the world is a twat."


CW: How did you become an obscure pop star?
BC: " I always knew I wanted to be an astronomer or someone who explored space or a physicist."

CW: The universe is over 1,000,000 years old, but how old is the earth?
BC:  "The Earth is only 6,000 years old"

CW: When most kids were working a paper round to get some spare cash, you were dreaming of becoming a professor. Why is that?
BC: "I didn't like getting up on Sunday mornings."


(Answers (C) Professor Brian Cox & The Guardian.  Questions (C) Choughworld)

A Hagfish a Day Keeps the Bailiffs Away

We have all be told that we should grow our own fruit and vegetables to save money, but now a new Government scheme will force poor families to make their own clothes.



Following his infamous claim to be able to live on £53 a week, which has resulted in a 324,000 online petition to have him 'put his money where his mouth is' -Ian Duncan Smith, the most hated man in the UK, has unveiled his latest plan to make sure work pays.

From 1st April 2014 every person claiming working age benefits will be supplied with a Hagfish, in order for them to weave their own clothes from the Hagfish's slime, allowing him to reduce claimants benefits by a further £20 a week.

Said IBS, "This scheme will give the unemployed something productive to do whilst they are lazing around their subsidised housing and drinking their cheap cider. For far too long we have provided money in order for these scroungers to go to posh shops to buy expensive clothes. 'No more' I say, from now on they will get a Hagfish in order to make their own clothese. This will allow me to cut their benefits further and blame them for not doing enough to help themselves because they cannot afford clothing and must walk around naked."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-21954779

So, has Ian Duncan Smith lost the plot, or has he come up with a devilish scheme to bring back cottage industries?

Holy War Against Fleas

Now most of us do not like the idea of fleas, but we normally only kill them when they inhabit our furry friends or enter our house. Most people do not go searching for them outside, to collect them.

However in shock news a German Man has been collecting them in boxes, exploiting them and then freezing them to death when they are of no more use.






In what he has described as a 'Holy War' -he has taken to collecting fleas from many sources, locking them in boxes, abusing them and when temperatures outside fall so low outside, putting the fleas outside to die.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/entire-troupe-of-300-circus-fleas-killed-by-freezing-weather-in-germany-8555528.html?origin=internalSearch

Dr Franz Snorkel explains, "I have always hated Fleas. When I was a young boy my best friend was my dog, Herr Rough. One day I was rolling around on the floor with it in a playful, non-sexual manner and I suddenly got an itch, followed by another itch.  Later I started scratching and my Father said, "the dog must have FLEAS." I was distraught at the thought of my best friend being infested by this minute creatures and I could no longer play with him. Since then I have made it my mission to kill all fleas."

And that is what he does, he sets traps for them, stores them in boxes, makes them undertake forced labour and when they are of no use any more, puts them outside in freezing temperatures to kill them.

Bastard or what?

We've Been Noticed, Again

In not so surprising news, arguments has broken out between our friend and irregular poster 'David Wilton' on MENU's webshite and in one -he has been refered to us for treatment. 

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/yob-ali-haydor-who-led-2286635

It would be surprising if  their 'David Wilton' actually visited this site....whereas our own home grown racist bigot 'David Wilton' regularly pops in to rant.

To avoid confusing we should refer to MENUs 'David Wilson' as the 'bigotted racist' and ours as the 'bigotted racist' -that should solve that.




We would put a larger picture of a troll on this news snippet, but we do not want him to think he is worthy of a large picture.

So welcome 'David Wilton', 'Thoughtful', or 'Mindful Thoughts' -we do not mind what you call yourself today.

UK Armed Forces Rehearse N.Korea Landings

In what is sure to be seen by North Korea as a precursor to a UK invasion of their homeland, Royal Marines will be rehearsing amphibious assualt landings this weekend.





The military exercises will take place in the hotly disputed waters surrounding the Korean peninsula, locally refered to as  'The Thames.'

North Korean state television reported the news to a shocked nation, referring to the UK military operation as an 'invasion' of their territorial waters -which they claim extend 100,000 miles around their country.

Said military spokesperson Generally Off My Head, "This is the clearest indication yet that the UK wishes to invade our homeland. We will not stand by waiting for this overtly hostile action by an Imperialist Nation to take place and have readied our forces for an all out nuclear war."

The UK Ministry of Defence refuted the North Korean's claim of an impending invasion saying, "We refute the North Korean Government's claim that we are planning an invasion. We are merely deploying our Marines to ensure the annual Thames boat race is not disrupted by a lone swimmer like last year."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-21975466

So, is the UK planning to invade North Korea or are we simply wasting military time and money protecting an event that has no impact on our national sovereignty?

Elderly Join AAA

In another example of how our older people are enjoying their twilight years to the full, an 82 year-old lady joined the Acrobatic Automobile Association (AAA) last year and has completed her first solo act to an astonished public.

http://www.manchesterfire.gov.uk/updates/incidents/28march2013_overturned_car_hindley.aspx




In a quiet street in Atherton, the public watched as Mrs Dare Devil lined her Vauxhall Corsa up to perform the AAA's classic 'Clip and Flip' manoeuvre. Once aligned correctly and revving her engine to the maximum, she set off.  Immediatly on turning a tight corner, she clipped the deliberatly parked car and then continued to hit the specially installed kerb -forcing her beloved car to 'flip' over.

The Firefighters who attended the event we amazed that someone that aged could perform this death-defying stunt.

Said Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service (GMFRS) spokesperson Mr Right Way-Up "This was an excellant example of aged people finding new and exciting roles to perform in life. Whilst our Road Safety Strategy has always looked at how to educate and engage with drivers and pedestrians about road safety, in particular targeting 17 to 25-year-olds across Greater Manchester, we now realise we should concentrate on elderly drivers instead."

Note: no persons were seriously hurt in this stunt, with the driver only suffering slight cuts and bruises as she wore a seatbelt -so remember clunck-click every trip.

The UK Wakes Up

In line with most of the popular Press, we start today with news that the UK population is waking up to news that their Council Tax will soon rise. Some Council Tax payers will say 'so what's new' but others will wake up to find they will shortly be paying Council Tax for the first time.




Unfortuneatly this is not news as such, it has been known for sometime -it is just that the Press have not been reporting the changes when they were announced, prefering stories of dog shite, chip pan fires and immigration to sell their measlie rags.

Community Overlord Sir David Pickles has been voracious in his defence of the new scheme "If people cannot be bothered to get better paid jobs such that they do not need to claim Council Tax Releif -that is not our fault. The ConDem Government has made it far easier to start-up new business in this Country, it is not our fault if people are too poor to do it."

He continued "The Conservatives have consulted widely on this scheme and with the support of our LibDem partners, we have managed to implement it. We must stress that in compensation for the new bills the unemployed and low paid workers will now face, the Government has taken on the cost of providing them breakfast -one horse bone for each family."

So there we have it, the Government has not only saved money and pushed the blame onto councils, they have also found a use for the bones from dead horses whose meat has already entered the food chain.

Bon appetit!

David Cameron Lookalike Fleeces OAPs

David Cameron, in his Bullingdon days

In a recent crime story, our tawdry rival focussed on the outrageous crimes committed by Stockport-based crook Daniel O'Donnell against the aged, rather than on his remarkable likeness to David Cameron, who equally wants to rob OAPs, and anyone living in social housing.

http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/evil-crook-daniel-odonnell-stockport-2038880

Police Use MEN Newsfeed

In an unlikely twist, Greater Manchester Police have started to use the MEN as a source of information.




In the tragic case of Miss Jade Anderson, the MEN reported her identity a full 14 hours before the police announced the informal identification of the victem on their web site.

Said PC Plod "It seems only fair that we use their website to collect information and report it to the public as they have been monitoring our web site/twitter feed and doing the same for a long time."

Notwithstanding the sympathy we have for Jade's family, which goes without saying, we have to ask -is this the way policing will be done in the future -by the MEN.

Stockport Residents Happiest in GTR Manchester

It's 'official' -out of ALL the areas where you could live in Greater Manchester, Stockport residents are the happiest with their location.





Not only beating EVERY other part of Greater Manchester, Stockport came second in the UK survey only losing out to Harrogate.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2299640/The-happiest-place-Britain-Harrogate-Residents-North-Yorkshire-town-satisfied-live.html

Said resident Mr P.Pann "It's great living in Stockport! We have all the road and rail infrastructure necessary to take us away from this dump."

However an unamed source within Stockport Council said "We are very proud of coming second in a national survey which for once does not mark Stockport as a failing local economy with the highest number of empty shops of any comparable town!"

So there you have it, Stockport is the best place in Manchester to live!  Or is it? Has Stockport only won because people living there have very limited aspirations and extremely low expectations?

TV : Who is the Worst Ever Doctor Who?

To Celebrate the resumption of the current series of Doctor Who on Saturday and a set of Postage Stamps produced in their honour, Choughworld will be carrying out an in-depth review into that question that's on everyone's lips.  Which actor is the Worst Doctor Who Ever?

William Hartnell

I've no idea what this one was like, before my time...

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Patrick Troughton

As the Second Doctor, Patrick Troughton was the first re-incarnation, and ironically, the first Doctor Who to die.
 

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Jon Pertwee

For some the definitive Doctor Who, for others the precursor for Wurzell Gummidge.

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Tom Baker

Arguably this is where the rot set in. 

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Peter Davison

 

Encouraged by his success in All Creatures Great and Small, Davison risked his career against the curse of Doctor Who.... And it didn't pay off.  Now known as the father of David Tennant's wife.

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Colin Baker

The worst Doctor Who ever.

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Sylvester McCoy

Previously a side kick in Vision On, McCoy could do nothing to save the busted brand.

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Paul McGann

I don't know why they include him in the lists.

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Christopher Eccleston

Mis cast or a work of genius?  You decide.

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David Tennant

My children's favourite, but what do they know.

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Matt Smith

The first Doctor Who to truly look like an Alien.