GMPCC Deadline Passes Without People Noticing

For those of our readers who do not read the paper edition of our shitty rival, we would like to bring to your attention a job advertisment asking for independent members to hold Greater Manchester's Police and Crime commissioner to account.





There are two roles available; the first is for independent member for the Audit and Accounts Comittee, with the second for an independent member of the Human Resources Governance Panel.

Both roles provide an attendance allowance plus travel expenses.

Those of our readers interested in these roles and who wish to apply .....cannot.

The closing date for applications was yesterday, the same day the advert was placed!

Oh well, we can take some comfort in the knowledge that whoever is appointed to these positions will be suitably qualified and will not already be 'friends' of the esteemed ex-MP.

Government Turns UK Into Theme Park

It has been announced by the government today that the whole of the UK will be turned into a theme park, housing the worlds largest roller coaster called the Austerity Ride.





The previous plans for the roller coaster involved a massive 'three dipper' design that would take patrons on three consecutive 'dips' -an almost unheard of feat. However due to cost overruns and lack of funds, the design has been scaled back to only have two 'dips' -nominally called 'David' and 'George.'

Labour instantly jumped on the Government for cancelling the third dip saying, "Typical of this cut cut cut Government to abandon the third dip just to save a few Pounds. What could have been a world's first, something the UK could have been proud of and rallied behind has been scaled back into another me me me ride."

The theme park is expected to be opened in 2015 to co-incide with the planned increase in the state pension to £144 a week. Is this a coincidence, we do not think so -but what do you think?

Sauce for the Goose....

Boris Johnson has called for a change to the law to stop unions striking when only a fraction of those eligible to vote actually vote in favour of the strike.







http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/boris-johnson-among-conservatives-calling-for-thatcherite-zeal-against-trade-unions-8581675.html?origin=internalSearch


Under current rules, a strike can take place when a majority of those who bothered to vote, vote in favour. So if only 10% of eligible voters bothered to vote and 60% of those were in favour -the strike can proceed.

Boris is proposing a strike should only happen when the majority of those eligiable to vote actually vote in favour. Sounds good.

However, under the same rules, this also applies to how Councillors, Mayors, MP's and Governments are elected. So will he be proposing these rules also be changed? Do not hold your breath!

Return of the Nasty Party

In echoes of the last Repuiblican campaign to enter the White House, Tory Local Councillor John Cherry has accidentally revealed his real feelings about Pakistani children.






http://www.independent.co.uk/i/matrix/the-news-matrix-monday-22-april-2013-8582029.html

In a move that has astounded some, even the Daily Moan commentators didn't support his view about having 'them' in their village.

So, would you have this man in your village?

Are all Women Secret Racists?

Following a women's racist rant on the Tube, we have to ask -are all women racists?





http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/police-search-for-woman-in-racist-youtube-rant-8582662.html


Based on research undertaken by Choughworld, we have come to the following possibilities:

1. Ms David Wilton has been on a trip to London,

2. These are two definitve events that prove all women are racists.

Based on research undertaken into our research team, we have decided to ignore them from now on, much as we do with Ms Wilton.

Insurance Giants Refuse Villiagers Home Insurance

Five years ago, in the aftermath of major flooding, the UK Insurance market threatened to remove cover from homes at 'significant' risk of future flooding. However, following the last Government's intervention, the major insurers agreed not to halt offering cover -merely to put their prices up significantly.

Five years have passed and this agreement is due to expire later this year, probably in August, on a Monday. The current Government are trying to having meaniful discussions with the major insuers to extend the scheme, but insiders report talks have not progressed well.

In a show of force, the major insurer's have refused to offer home insurance to the Grade II listed village Bourton-on-the-Water.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-22240142


No villagers wished to comment on this development, however mega insurer AXAPruLLoyds issued the following statement, "Contrary to what has been reported, we have not refused to provide home insurance to Bourton-on-the-Water residents. Despite the proximitry of the river to houses, the lack of flood defences and the yearly flooding that takes place, we are happy to charge residents £1,000,000 per resident per year. What we are not prepared to do is offer home insurance to the bloody model village in your picture."

So there you have it, are the insurance markets guilty of sizism? Is the fact that a building is a minature representation of a real building reason enough for them to refuse to provide home insurance cover?

Hack Blogger Fails to get New Angle on Thatcher Funeral

Thatcher and close pal Savile

In a confession that shocked nobody, hack blogger Mr Chough today admitted that he couldn't think of a new angle on the Thatcher Funeral.

"I'm flummoxed," he admitted.  "I've been thinking all day for a new angle on this happy day, and I just can't come up with anything original."

"I tried to do something on how it's a bit odd for a devout Methodist to have a state funeral in a Cathedral, but the story went off in so many directions I lost it."

"I was also going to comment on how she could now join her pals mass-murdering dictator Augusto Pinochet, and serial paedophile and rapist Jimmy Savile, but it's been done before."

"As I was coming home, I speculated that the strong winds might be a cataclysmic battle between the forces of good and evil as they fought for the other side to take her soul, but that's all too similar to the story I wrote on the day she died."

"I even considered a serious article about how many of the foundation stones of 'broken Britain' were laid in her reign, but Ken Livingstone expressed that perfectly well without my help."

"So all I can do is muse that while for many years we burned effigies of Thatcher, some lucky sod at Mortlake Crematorium got to burn the real thing."