GMPCC Deadline Passes Without People Noticing

For those of our readers who do not read the paper edition of our shitty rival, we would like to bring to your attention a job advertisment asking for independent members to hold Greater Manchester's Police and Crime commissioner to account.





There are two roles available; the first is for independent member for the Audit and Accounts Comittee, with the second for an independent member of the Human Resources Governance Panel.

Both roles provide an attendance allowance plus travel expenses.

Those of our readers interested in these roles and who wish to apply .....cannot.

The closing date for applications was yesterday, the same day the advert was placed!

Oh well, we can take some comfort in the knowledge that whoever is appointed to these positions will be suitably qualified and will not already be 'friends' of the esteemed ex-MP.

Government Turns UK Into Theme Park

It has been announced by the government today that the whole of the UK will be turned into a theme park, housing the worlds largest roller coaster called the Austerity Ride.





The previous plans for the roller coaster involved a massive 'three dipper' design that would take patrons on three consecutive 'dips' -an almost unheard of feat. However due to cost overruns and lack of funds, the design has been scaled back to only have two 'dips' -nominally called 'David' and 'George.'

Labour instantly jumped on the Government for cancelling the third dip saying, "Typical of this cut cut cut Government to abandon the third dip just to save a few Pounds. What could have been a world's first, something the UK could have been proud of and rallied behind has been scaled back into another me me me ride."

The theme park is expected to be opened in 2015 to co-incide with the planned increase in the state pension to £144 a week. Is this a coincidence, we do not think so -but what do you think?

Sauce for the Goose....

Boris Johnson has called for a change to the law to stop unions striking when only a fraction of those eligible to vote actually vote in favour of the strike.







http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/boris-johnson-among-conservatives-calling-for-thatcherite-zeal-against-trade-unions-8581675.html?origin=internalSearch


Under current rules, a strike can take place when a majority of those who bothered to vote, vote in favour. So if only 10% of eligible voters bothered to vote and 60% of those were in favour -the strike can proceed.

Boris is proposing a strike should only happen when the majority of those eligiable to vote actually vote in favour. Sounds good.

However, under the same rules, this also applies to how Councillors, Mayors, MP's and Governments are elected. So will he be proposing these rules also be changed? Do not hold your breath!

Return of the Nasty Party

In echoes of the last Repuiblican campaign to enter the White House, Tory Local Councillor John Cherry has accidentally revealed his real feelings about Pakistani children.






http://www.independent.co.uk/i/matrix/the-news-matrix-monday-22-april-2013-8582029.html

In a move that has astounded some, even the Daily Moan commentators didn't support his view about having 'them' in their village.

So, would you have this man in your village?

Are all Women Secret Racists?

Following a women's racist rant on the Tube, we have to ask -are all women racists?





http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/crime/police-search-for-woman-in-racist-youtube-rant-8582662.html


Based on research undertaken by Choughworld, we have come to the following possibilities:

1. Ms David Wilton has been on a trip to London,

2. These are two definitve events that prove all women are racists.

Based on research undertaken into our research team, we have decided to ignore them from now on, much as we do with Ms Wilton.

Insurance Giants Refuse Villiagers Home Insurance

Five years ago, in the aftermath of major flooding, the UK Insurance market threatened to remove cover from homes at 'significant' risk of future flooding. However, following the last Government's intervention, the major insurers agreed not to halt offering cover -merely to put their prices up significantly.

Five years have passed and this agreement is due to expire later this year, probably in August, on a Monday. The current Government are trying to having meaniful discussions with the major insuers to extend the scheme, but insiders report talks have not progressed well.

In a show of force, the major insurer's have refused to offer home insurance to the Grade II listed village Bourton-on-the-Water.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-22240142


No villagers wished to comment on this development, however mega insurer AXAPruLLoyds issued the following statement, "Contrary to what has been reported, we have not refused to provide home insurance to Bourton-on-the-Water residents. Despite the proximitry of the river to houses, the lack of flood defences and the yearly flooding that takes place, we are happy to charge residents £1,000,000 per resident per year. What we are not prepared to do is offer home insurance to the bloody model village in your picture."

So there you have it, are the insurance markets guilty of sizism? Is the fact that a building is a minature representation of a real building reason enough for them to refuse to provide home insurance cover?

Hack Blogger Fails to get New Angle on Thatcher Funeral

Thatcher and close pal Savile

In a confession that shocked nobody, hack blogger Mr Chough today admitted that he couldn't think of a new angle on the Thatcher Funeral.

"I'm flummoxed," he admitted.  "I've been thinking all day for a new angle on this happy day, and I just can't come up with anything original."

"I tried to do something on how it's a bit odd for a devout Methodist to have a state funeral in a Cathedral, but the story went off in so many directions I lost it."

"I was also going to comment on how she could now join her pals mass-murdering dictator Augusto Pinochet, and serial paedophile and rapist Jimmy Savile, but it's been done before."

"As I was coming home, I speculated that the strong winds might be a cataclysmic battle between the forces of good and evil as they fought for the other side to take her soul, but that's all too similar to the story I wrote on the day she died."

"I even considered a serious article about how many of the foundation stones of 'broken Britain' were laid in her reign, but Ken Livingstone expressed that perfectly well without my help."

"So all I can do is muse that while for many years we burned effigies of Thatcher, some lucky sod at Mortlake Crematorium got to burn the real thing."

David Wilton Exposed At Last

It is true, David Wilton aka Mindful & Thoughful, has finally been unmasked.

Whereas his views have been obvious to everyone who isn't mentally challenged, he has always hidden his true identity by claiming to be a man, a women and even performing a poor imitation of a slug.




However following a series of Tweets, his identity has been exposed.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/muslims-are-evil-lets-kill-them-all-fox-news-guest-erik-rush-provokes-furious-reaction-with-boston-bombing-twitter-rants-8575176.html

What has surprised some people -he is not even British but American!

Airbus Chiefs Acknowledge Size does Matter After All

Whilst women have often denied it to save their partners embarrassment, Airbus has finally concluded that size does matter after all.





In a move that is likely to cause widespread embarrissment amongst flyers, Airbus has confirmed it will be offering Airlines the option of fitting extra-wide seats to the A320, so that the Airlines in turn can charge fatty passengers more.

Sometimes referred to as 'McPassengers', Airlines are receiving increasing numbers of complaints from customers of  'rollover' -where an oversized passenger's body invades someone elses seating space.

Airbus claim they can help alleviate this problem, as well as increase an Airline's profits. Their proposal is to increase the central seat's width by 2 inches, allowing Airlines to charge more for occupying these seats.

You may ask 'where is this extra space coming from?' and you would be right to. The unfortunate answer is -they are reducing the width of both the aisle and window seats by 1 inch, making them harder to fit into.

Airlines have welcomed the opporutnity to make more money from fat passengers, but have yet to confirm whether they will be reducing the charge for the others seats that have reduced in size. We would suggest not holding your breath for an answer.

Campaign groups have condemmed the move saying it would cause significant embarrissment for anyone occupying the extra wide seats; they fear that the ancient Celtic anti-fat chant "who ate all the pies..." would be replaced by "whose taking all the space...."

For the full story, click on the link below:

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/mcpassengers-to-be-offered-extrawide-seats-8570478.html?origin=internalSearch

M.E.V. leads the way in nominations for Regional Fantasy Blog Awards

M.E.V has received a total of 7 nominations in this years Regional Fantasy Blog Awards, beating it's crappy rival the M.E.N who only have 5.





http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/manchester-evening-news-leads-way-2587723#comments


The M.E.V has received the following nominations:

        Ruthless Tyrantical Overlord Category - R.Chough

        Fantasy and Parody Category - Infirmus Cygnus

        Underworld Investigate Reporting Category - Ivor Rash(deceased) via R.Chough

        Animal Rights Category - Fluffsec

        Stalker of the year Category - Suwong

        Newest Contributor Category - Mancmanomyst

        Worst Grammatical Article Category - Scratching My Head


The awards ceremony this year will be in Never Never Believe It Land and the nominations will be judged by ex-M.E.V contributor Em Bembooshkin to ensure impartiality.

So who will you vote for M.E.V or M.E.N. ?

Nothing on TV Again

Moanchester Freeview viewers expressed their outrage this week that there was nothing on TV to watch, with one pensioner nearly buying a new TV.




http://www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/millions-greater-manchester-north-west-2589428#comments

The testing of the new 4G signal bands resulted in Freeview customers loosing their TV signal and being forced to re-tune their TV's, just in case there was anything on TV to watch.

Said Dr. Intereference Pattern for VodaTaxSteal, "We have paid a lot of money for our 4G licence and plan to make oodles of money. If that means people can no longer watch their favourite soap opera on Freeview...tough."

The initial Government position on the interference problem was to suggest that any taxpayers affected would have to go out and purchase their own filter to overcome the issue. However, following a backlash by consumer rights groups, the Mobile Phone Operators have set up a £180 million fund to overcome this 'unlikely' problem that will only afffect a 'few' households.

So if you were affected by this weeks test of the 4G network rollout, Choughworld suggests that you ask the Mobile Phone Operators for a free filter before the 4G signal is turned on and you loose your TV reception for good.

The link to their webshite to is

https://at800.tv/find-out-more/the-solution/

Good luck.

England to Follow Korean Example

Following the untimely demise of the UK's 'favourite' Prime Minister, Mrs M.Thatcher, the North of England is pressing ahead with its plan to become an independant nation from the South, following Koreas example in the 1950's.





Bolstered by sales of 'Ding dong the witch is dead' the North of England City Councillors have formally approached the United Nations with a proposal to split England into 2, North England and South England.

Whilst the dividing line has yet to be agreed, it has been proposed by Manchester's City State Overlord, Mrs Patrica 'the stripper' Karney, to include any area not in the South East of England.

Under current proposals every part of England except the South East would become a new nation 'North England' despite some counties like Cornwall and Devon geographically being in the South.  Mrs Karney explained this descrepency, "Whilst technically Cornwall and Devon are in the South of England, we share deep cultural roots with this area -we both are being screwed by the Governments Welfare Cuts. So in order to overcome this issue they will become bonafide 'North of England' counties."

The UN has issued a statement, it reads "We can confirm that we have received a proposal asking for the UN to recognise a new country called 'North England.' We will give this proposal serious consideration as we do not want another country to enter into a state of civil war."

We understand however there is one stumbling block to this proposal, Birmingham. The current proposals by Mrs Karney exclude Birmingham being part of  'North England.' Asked about this Mrs Karney replied "Look we do not want Birmingahm, have you heard how they speak down there?"

A unnamed source within the current, but not for long, UK Government said "Well we don't want those Northern oiks anyway, so let them become a seperate nation -but we are not having Birmingham. If those uncouth Northerners want independance -they have to take Birmingham with them."

So there you have it, England will follow Korea's lead and split into 2 nations, one socialist and one capitallist pigs. Which one do you want to be in?

Government Supports GMFRS Campaign to 'Ban the Pann'

Following yet another chip pan fire, the Government has announced it's support for the Greater Manchester Fire and Rescue Service campaign to 'Ban the Pann.'




GMFRS has repeated it's calls to 'Ban the Pann' following a chip pan fire in Wigan, forcing them to rescue an elderly couple who not only damaged their property but also needed hospital treatment.

http://www.manchesterfire.gov.uk/updates/incidents/10apr2013_couple_escape_chip_pan_blaze.aspx

Ian Duncan Smith was thought to have dreamt, "We fully support GMFRS's campaign to 'Ban the Pann' which is why we will be making further cuts to Welfare State Payments such that people will no longer be able to afford the food to cook. Unfortuneatly serial Blogger P.Pann will make a meal out of this and so we shall seek legal powers to 'Ban the Pann' from Blogging about it." before he fell asleep (see above) -bless.

With the Government announcement Twatter burst into life flooding the 'unreality space' with twits such as 'Mindful Thoughts' voicing their agreement with Ian Duncan Smith. David Wilton joined in the debate twittering "It is about time this Government took action against P.Pann -I cannot leave any comments on the MEN webshite without being challenged by #him"

So is Ian Duncan Smith right, should the nation also support GMFRS's campaign to 'Ban the Pann?'

Increased Zombie Activity in Hurpurhey

Emergency services in the North Manchester leafy Suburb of Harpurhey have reported increased zombie activity.  "Zombie attacks are up by 150% since Monday", said Chief Constable Peter Fahy.

Occultists have speculated that there is some disturbance in Hell, which is causing the dead to escape and walk the earth.

Choughworld's damnation correspondent captured a rare interview with medieval celebrity sinner Simon De Montfort. "I have suffered for centuries in the 7th circle of Hell," he moaned. "But enough is enough.  I may have murdered my cousin, and been cursed by God but I will not put up with that woman one moment longer."

According to Zombie movies, "When hell is full, the dead shall walk the earth".  However it appears that some other event has caused them to leave their eternal torment to feast on the flesh of the living.



View Larger Map

Have you been attacked by the undead, or have you fled Hell for a better life on the surface?  Comment NOW!

Shock Proposal to Privatise Hell

In a move that shocked Heaven and Earth alike, and which was weirdly predicted on Saturday by Choughworld, Hell has been subjected to a hostile takeover.  Analysts predict huge redundancies amongst minor demons as damnation services are put out to tender.  G4S are widely tipped to secure several of these contracts.

A spokesman for the newly formed British Hell announced "For too long, the damned have been an under-used resource, for whom eternally punishment in the pits of hell is ultimately a lifestyle choice.  Under BH's new Chairman Baroness Thatcher, these scroungers will be rounded up and forced to pay for their upkeep.  We will also recover the running costs of the enterprise from the descendents of the damned."

This move was greeted with support from the current cabinet. "Why didn't we think of that?" they mused.

MEN Business Update

In another Choughworld exclusive, MEN Stakeholders were in shock when the latest publication figures were released by the Audit Bureau of Circulations (ABC) for the period Jul - Dec 2012.




In a follow up investigation to Choughworld's original story of decreasing circulation rates of the MEN ( http://choughworld.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/we-are-catching-up.html ) we have today obtained freely available figures for the last half yearly figures.

We had reported that the 'paid for' circulation had previously dropped from an average of 57,000 daily copies to a new low of 52,696. Today we unearth that even that new low has been beaten, it is now down to an average daily circulation of 49,919.

Whilst in 2010 the average total circulation ('paid for' and 'free') was over 90,000, by last December it had also dropped to a new low of only 74,702, a nearly 25% drop.

The full ABC report can be found at:

http://www.abc.org.uk/Search-Results/?type=all&SearchInput=manchester+evening+news&DisplayAll=

We therefore question, will the MEN be able to recover to it's heyday, or as more people read it for free on their website, is it in terminal decline?

Crime Level Increases on Saturdays

We can exlusively reveal that crime levels dramatically increased yesterday (Saturday 6th April 2013) and that level of crime will be repeated every Saturday from now on.





This Saturday the cost of a copy of the downmarket regional newspaper, the MEN, increased from 50p to 70p, a whopping 40%!

The dire MEN tried to justify the price increase by including a tv guide for the week, along with an expanded weekend guide plus 1 extra cryptic crossword for crossword fans, oh and a sports wraparound for the Grand National.

Said one exasperated purchaser, Mr P.Pann, "This is daylight robbery, it is criminal! They think they can add a few extra pages and get away with charging 20p more? Well stuff that I will not be buying it anymore."

Said another, Mrs P.Pann, "This paper used to be respectiable and provided good value for money, a worthwhile investment but now -I would not even use it to collect my vegetable peelings."

So there you have it, a crime is taking place whenever a Saturday copy of the MEN is sold. Will this be their downfall?

Don't Fear the Reaper : Facing up to the Inevitable

"Man that is born of a woman is of few days, and full of trouble." said Job, in a cheerier moment.  While we all know that our spell on earth will one day end, leading to oblivion, paradise or eternal suffering (according to your beliefs) it's sometimes hard to face up to this inevitable, and plan for it.

In a ground-breaking report, Choughworld will help you plan for the day that we all know will come sooner rather than later.

Be Prepared

The one thing nobody wants to be doing on that inevitable day is shopping.  With a little planning, we should be able to lay in most of the goods we need minimising the search for those essential items.

Alcohol

Champagne can be kept more or less indefinitely in the dark at around 15 degrees C.  Don't keep it chilled for long periods as this will spoil the bubbles.  If you don't have somewhere suitable, get in touch with choughworld@gmail.com and I'll look after it for you in my cellar, promise.

Fireworks

I'm sure that you shouldn't store fireworks in you cellar, on top of a tool cabinet, so if you're not a complete idiot, then you'll have to buy these on the day.  If the sad day occurs in October or November, or close to New Year then you may be lucky, otherwise you'll have to track down a specialist firework store.

Bunting

What would be more appropriate to 'celebrate the life' of the dearly departed than to hold a street party, where you and your neighbours could get together and reminisce.  Paperchase in Manchester still has discounted bunting and paper cups from last year's celebration of one more year without the idiot Charles as our ruler.  There's also a lot of Olympic tat going for half price (i.e. twice what it's worth).

Clothing

Your clothing should be appropriate, but not flamboyant.  Red Molotov sell this t-shirt in many colours, and what more appropriate to wear, when the inevitable comes.

So with a little preparation, we can turn a sad day into a celebration....  Be prepared, it can't be long now.

MEN Teasing Rascists

Today, following racist rants over the weekend by MEN serial contributor David Wilton, the MEN struck back by having two stories about Islam...and not allowing any comments.





Said David Wilton, "It is totally irresponsible of the MEN to increase my blood pressure by showing Islam in a good light yet not allowing me to vent my anger. This has left my blood boiling all day and has put me at risk of a heart attack. How is that good for this country."

Said rabid anti-David Wilton commentator, Paul Pann, "This is totally unfair, I have not had my daily dose of David Wilton baiting. I pay for this tawdry rag and expect in return some place where she/he and I can have a good old fashioned slanging match. Jonathan Lambert highlighted his fame within Choughworld, but he couldn't even be bothered to slag us off!"

So, is the MEN getting shittier by the day or are our standards set to high?

By Popular Demand: Ask Brian Cox

Brian Cox, relating a fishing anecdote

We've all heard him play keyboards on the Labour Party theme tune of 1997, and many of us have watched his soppy yet compelling science shows on the TV.  Some have even read his science fiction books, about relativity and physics.

But few have had the chance to question the reclusive boffin.  Choughworld is proud to announce that the publicity shy uber-nerd has agreed to answer 5 carefully selected questions.


CW: Our readers have speculated on the size of your intellect.  How big is it really?
BC: "I don't think anyone has a grasp of that other than to say: it's big."

CW: David Wilton believes that the Large Hadron Collider will destroy the world, by letting immigrants in from other dimensions, like in Torchwood.
BC:  "Anyone who thinks the LHC will destroy the world is a twat."


CW: How did you become an obscure pop star?
BC: " I always knew I wanted to be an astronomer or someone who explored space or a physicist."

CW: The universe is over 1,000,000 years old, but how old is the earth?
BC:  "The Earth is only 6,000 years old"

CW: When most kids were working a paper round to get some spare cash, you were dreaming of becoming a professor. Why is that?
BC: "I didn't like getting up on Sunday mornings."


(Answers (C) Professor Brian Cox & The Guardian.  Questions (C) Choughworld)

A Hagfish a Day Keeps the Bailiffs Away

We have all be told that we should grow our own fruit and vegetables to save money, but now a new Government scheme will force poor families to make their own clothes.



Following his infamous claim to be able to live on £53 a week, which has resulted in a 324,000 online petition to have him 'put his money where his mouth is' -Ian Duncan Smith, the most hated man in the UK, has unveiled his latest plan to make sure work pays.

From 1st April 2014 every person claiming working age benefits will be supplied with a Hagfish, in order for them to weave their own clothes from the Hagfish's slime, allowing him to reduce claimants benefits by a further £20 a week.

Said IBS, "This scheme will give the unemployed something productive to do whilst they are lazing around their subsidised housing and drinking their cheap cider. For far too long we have provided money in order for these scroungers to go to posh shops to buy expensive clothes. 'No more' I say, from now on they will get a Hagfish in order to make their own clothese. This will allow me to cut their benefits further and blame them for not doing enough to help themselves because they cannot afford clothing and must walk around naked."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-21954779

So, has Ian Duncan Smith lost the plot, or has he come up with a devilish scheme to bring back cottage industries?

Holy War Against Fleas

Now most of us do not like the idea of fleas, but we normally only kill them when they inhabit our furry friends or enter our house. Most people do not go searching for them outside, to collect them.

However in shock news a German Man has been collecting them in boxes, exploiting them and then freezing them to death when they are of no more use.






In what he has described as a 'Holy War' -he has taken to collecting fleas from many sources, locking them in boxes, abusing them and when temperatures outside fall so low outside, putting the fleas outside to die.

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/entire-troupe-of-300-circus-fleas-killed-by-freezing-weather-in-germany-8555528.html?origin=internalSearch

Dr Franz Snorkel explains, "I have always hated Fleas. When I was a young boy my best friend was my dog, Herr Rough. One day I was rolling around on the floor with it in a playful, non-sexual manner and I suddenly got an itch, followed by another itch.  Later I started scratching and my Father said, "the dog must have FLEAS." I was distraught at the thought of my best friend being infested by this minute creatures and I could no longer play with him. Since then I have made it my mission to kill all fleas."

And that is what he does, he sets traps for them, stores them in boxes, makes them undertake forced labour and when they are of no use any more, puts them outside in freezing temperatures to kill them.

Bastard or what?